A Piece of Meat

Maybe it was the recent vein tap. Maybe it's all the suspension work L and I did at Shibaricon last weekend. Maybe it's one of Seven's newest pictures. Maybe it's the joke I made about coming as a kitten labeled with cuts of meat for an upcoming post-apocalyptic-themed play party. (When the end of the world comes, kittens are on the menu.)

No matter the reason, lately my thoughts have started to fill with meat...with flesh...with blood...

...which is funny for someone who doesn't actually eat meat. (No, not even bacon ice cream.)

The first night L and I played at Shibaricon, I asked for a sensual, erotic scene, which he gave me. Halfway through, however, I realized I wanted claws and teeth. I wanted vicious. I felt like a piece of meat that had been strung up; I wanted all the feelings I get from feeling helpless, used, abused, and objectified.

I had this idea for a scene I want to do at this upcoming play party. I want to dress like a kitty (easy costume: ears, tail, claws and nudity). I want Seven to draw cuts of meat on me. And I want L to suspend me. And I want to feel all those intense emotions: use me, hurt me, defile me, eat me.

L and I have never really played that way. Seven and I are more used to playing in these intense ways. We have scenes involving non-consensuality and sexual objectification. But I want to share more of these things with L - these dark, intense, scary feelings. I want to feel emotionally connected to him in this powerful way where I can trust him to debase me, to hurt me...but not to harm me. I want us to take each other to the edge and fall, arms wrapped around each other for protection.

So I pitched the idea of this kind of scene to L. It took a while before I was able to fully open up. (Awkwardsauce Moment #38: telling your husband you want him to string you up like a butcher’s special.) But after explaining what I wanted and where I wanted to go with my headspace, he said: “I can work with that.”

I met with Seven the day of the party to go over his part – drawing on me, “prepping” the meat – and he was also really excited. The scenes were in place – there was nothing left to do but pack and wait for the party to start.

The party itself was amazing. The organizers worked really hard and it showed. After running around naked for a while (it’s what I do), I was ready to be meat. Seven’s costume was creepy, elaborate, and awesome – and netted him a prize! Body paint made him near unrecognizable, and the combination of metal spikes in his costume and an altered voice made me giggle not because it was funny, but because I didn’t know any other way to process it. He attached my wrists to a suspension point (but not before I tried to run, which was super hot and must happen again) and then painted cut lines and labeled my different “cuts” of meat.

Then it was time for L to suspend me. He used new ropes that were thicker and the position was incredibly comfortable – I immediately slipped into happy suspension endorphin high headspace. Between a cane, a meat tenderizer, meat forks, metal claws and biting, my body was definitely starting to feel abused. (I love showering later and feeling the hot water over fresh scratches. Yum.)

After the scene, L started aftercare but I was in such a strange place I didn’t know how to tell him what I needed. I felt scared. I felt like I was in danger and helpless. I wanted to hide. I wanted to burrow into a blanket so nobody could see me…talk to me…or try to eat me.

Post-suspension headspace is hit or miss for me. Sometimes, it’s amazing and floaty. Sometimes, it’s scary and emotional. I asked L if he could have friend/kinkster/pro-domme Tulsi (of vein tap fame) come over. She’d had an intense scene, too, so we cuddled and she made me feel safe and strong again.

I’m really glad I tried this type of scene, and I’m really glad I got to share it with L. He’s constantly vigilant about protecting our relationship, and me – so he’s often wary of doing things that will harm me or cause me emotional damage. I feel like this was a good first step in playing on a different level; maybe he’ll feel more comfortable playing in the dark and bringing out that inner monster.

RHS