The Redheaded Slut

I've Moved!

2011-07-26T11:46:00.001-07:00

The new blog can be found at

http://theredheadedslut.blogspot.com/

Or click here...

Kindergarten Teacher of Kink

2011-07-19T07:21:00.000-07:00

If I lived in the Old West, I would either be the schoolmarm, or the whore they sent virgins to.

Possibly both.

Because I like new people. Their shiny, new-person smell aside, I really enjoy playing with people who are new to the scene or new to a specific type of play. I've popped a few cherries and I like being a safe space where people can learn, grow and explore kink. While I tend to prefer topping new people, I recently got the chance to pop someone's top cherry.

At a recent kink convention, I got to be that safe space for lee, one of my good friends who was curious about topping. While lee identifies primarily as a bottom (and by “bottom," I mean “badass masochist”), she'd started to get curious about topping.

The scene itself was simple but intense. It involved bruise poking, vocal repetition and me sitting on a chair that she occasionally tilted off-balance. It seems simple, but actually affected me more than I realized and I crashing a little later in the night. But what was really special was getting to share in this first experience with her in a safe and empowering way.

I like helping people on their journey. Beyond kink, I'm getting to be there with Seven as he explores his first polyamorous relationship. I get to be a safe and stable partner as he figures out what being a second partner looks like, what he wants out of poly, communication, jealousy, all of those things that come from having multiple committed relationships.

I joke about taking people by the hand as if it's the first day of kindergarten. I welcome them in a soft, soothing voice. I'm happy they're here; there's so many exciting things for them to discover. It feeds into the nurturing part of me where I get to create a safe space for learning.

Don't get me wrong, Miss RHS who's so generous with the fingerpaints will also stick your ass in the corner if you get out of line. And in my kindergarten, you better believe that corporal punishment is allowed. Just because I create a safe space doesn't mean I won't beat the fuck out of you. Especially if you want it.

And sometimes just because I want to.

RHS

Day 26: CyberKink

2011-07-17T10:29:00.001-07:00

It’s 30 Days of Kink!

What’s your opinion on online BDSM play?

If people like it, they should do it? This seems like a trick question...

I've had cybersex. I've had phone sex. Is it as good as the real thing? No. Does it work as a substitute when your partner(s) isn't nearby? Sure!

The advice I would give to people who are curious about online BDSM play is the same advice I'd give to virgins considering cybersex. It's fine to use it to figure it out or play around with it, but don't confuse it for the real thing. That cyberwhipping you took may be super hot – but that doesn't mean you're into singletails. The physical aspect is lost when there's no physical toys.

I will say that engaging in dominance and submission and mental BDSM online may be easier, like requiring the submissive to send a “good morning” message every day. That said, it's still not as real as, you know, real life. (I say this having done both real and online kink.)

Not to mention that it can be an addiction, that it can prevent someone from actively interacting with people in the community, that it can lead to abusive relationships, there's a greater risk for attracting unsavory characters...

...and I'm sure there are people who have led perfectly healthy, normal lives that regularly engage in online BDSM.

So if you're out there, feel free to comment.

RHS

Day 25: Rape Me

2011-07-12T17:39:00.000-07:00

It’s 30 Days of Kink!

How open are you about your kinks?

I really like how the 30 Days of Kink questions often coincide with something that's on my mind. Sometimes it's hard to be open with your friends or family about your kinks. Sometimes it's even hard to be open with the kink community. And sometimes it's even harder to be open and honest with yourself.

It's hard for me to be open with myself about being curious about rape play.

I know lots of women have rape fantasies. Compared to dripping your blood in your partner's mouth while fucking them, rape play is practically pedestrian. And being the perpetrator (I can't yet bring myself to self-identify as a rapist) seems easier to me, especially when it's so clear that the “victim” wants it.

But as a victim, it's fucking scary. It used to be a hard limit. I could make the distinction between domestic violence (bad) and caning (good), but rape play scared me in a way that I've only recently worked on conquering.

I've blogged about rape play in the past, but haven't felt safe enough yet to explore it more. Seven is a big fan and has spent a lot more time thinking about it than I have, which has helped me feel more comfortable dipping my toe in the water. I also just attended a rape play class at a BDSM convention, which really helped me figure out how I could be the victim in rape play without flipping out.

When I've done resistance play in the past, I flip out. I think I'm actually being attacked and I want to get the fuck away from the other person. Unlike some kinksters, that's not part of the fun for me. I don't want to hate my partner. So the class helped me with ways to say “yes” and “no” at the same time – making it less likely to fall into “get the fuck away from me” place.

The class brought up ways to use language to communicate interest in an indirect way. “Please, don't [insert sexy action here]! I'll do anything!” is a way to balance simultaneously saying “yes” and “no.” Negotiating, begging, pleading all seem like ways I can remind my emotional brain that I don't need to flip out.

I realized the traditional rape play scene doesn't always appeal to me. A scared woman in a dark alley may get a lot of kinksters going, but right now I find it too hard to replicate a scene that is, too often, played out in real life.

When I was younger, I read a story about a woman who was forced to give her brother's friend a blowjob while her brother went down on her. I was so turned on and so freaked out – I was into incest? Into rape? But I realized as I grew older that what turned me on was that the girl was turned on, even though she felt like she shouldn't be and I found that incredibly erotic.

I'm very lucky in that my partners are okay with my recent rape curiosity. L, who also attended the rape play class, has apparently ordered a bunch of films with rape scenes from Netflix. Seven responds positively (and enthusiastically) to the idea of rape play (giving and receiving). Foxy is definitely into rape play, so even if it's something she and I don't explore, I know she can understand and be okay with the darker parts of me.

So now I find myself concocting non-consensual consensual rape scenarios in my head. The scene where the teacher seduces the innocent schoolgirl...the scene where the cockteasing cheerleader gets what she deserves...where the corporate executive is blackmailed into pleasing her male secretary...

RHS

e[lust] #27

2011-07-06T17:34:00.001-07:00

Photo courtesy of A Bedroom Blog

Welcome to e[lust] - Your source for sexual intelligence and inspirations of lust from the smartest & sexiest bloggers! Whether you’re looking for hot steamy smut, thought-provoking opinions or expert information, you’re going to find it here. Want to be included in e[lust] #28? Start with the rules and subscribe to the RSS feed and Twitter for updates and submission reminders.
~ This Week’s Top Three Posts ~
Ruby LOVES her body, so should YOU - What ever size you are, love yourself, be nice to yourself and concentrate on health instead of looks.
Performances - So, of course, I don’t have any sensation in my cock, but holy baby Jeebus, sinking into her is so fucking hot that I groan right along with her.
10 reasons why I shouldn't have had sex, but did anyway - I’ve written extensively about happy-sex; so now here are some of the more unpleasant reasons why I’ve had sex.
~ Featured Post (Lilly’s Pick) ~
Energy Orgasms - There is a moment, an incredible moment, when it feels like the universe is concentrated in my body.
e[lust] Editress: Dangerous Lilly
All blogs that have a submission in this edition must re-post this digest from tip-to-toe on their blogs within 7 days. Re-posting the photo is optional and the use of the “read more…” tag is allowable ~after this point~. Thank you, and enjoy!
Thoughts & Advice on Sex & Relationships
A response to: #Slutwalk will not show our daughters how to get respect
Accidents Happen
All the Time in the World
Dear Jane: How Do I Gain Sensitivity Back After Masturbating Too Much?
Friday Flix: 10 Things We Would Like to Say
Hole. Confession #573
Look at me (please)
Lusting After Sexually Confident Women and HNT
Oh Really?
Sex Toy Collecting
Why Can't I Orgasm?
Kink & Fetish
5 Kinky Toys from the Restaurant Supply Store
A Piece of Meat
Being a Domme, Alone
Daddy's Good Girl
Emotional Masochism
Fucktoy Friday: Urethra Play
Good Morning
Inexorable Love
More Adventures in Chastity
New figure nudes
Plugged
Erotic Writing
Continentally Close
Entwined
First Memory of Sex with Nicole
Far From the Madding Crowd
First kiss
green candle wax
Happy Birthday Baby Girl
Lusty Lips
My first swinging experience
Seducing my Professor
sexy bitch/sexy beast
Strapping On For the First Time
seminar slut
To seduce you
The Minotaur
Twisted Words
The Heist
Sex News, Interviews, Politics & Humor
Gender Celebration Blog Carnival – A Call for Submissions
Marilyn Monroe: A Sex Goddess Searches For Her Elusive Orgasm
Welcome

Day 24: Rules for Dating the Redheaded Slut

2011-07-03T10:44:00.000-07:00

It’s 30 Days of Kink!

What qualities do you look for in a partner?

30 Days of Kink, are you hitting on me?

If I were to create an Application to Be My Partner…I’d probably fail after trying to figure out the first question. I’m going to get a little woo-woo here, but I believe people come into your life for a reason. And if I set up a Type of Partner I was looking for…I’d fail on that, too. The only thing my past, present and future partners have in common is that, by and large, they’re brunettes.

So the qualities I look for in a partner aren’t very specific. Kind, compassionate, interesting, smart, funny…blah, blah, blah.

What’s more important is how my partner works in the context of a relationship with me.

Rule #1: My primary relationship comes first.
There’s a reason I agreed to a state-sponsored contract to L and I. Aside from m relationship with myself, my marriage is the most important relationship in my life. It doesn’t mean he has the right to say, “Cancel your plans with [partner]; I want to see you tonight.” It means that I act in the best interest of that relationship. I’ve never had a partner who disrespected my primary – and hopefully, never will.

Rule #2: Don’t give me shit about my diet.
I have what’s known as sensory integration dysfunction. I process senses differently. Oh, that woolen sweater that’s ‘kinda scratchy’ to you? It’s like death to me. Trying to hear a conversation in a loud bar? Impossible. And food. I am also what’s called an “adult picky eater.” I’m working on branching out, but it’s sensitive subject. If you can’t respect that “no, I don’t want to try that” mean “no, I don’t want to try that”…then it quickly becomes “I’m going to shove that up your butt if you keep insisting I try your food.”

Rule #3: Touch me.
My primary love language is touch. It’s how I first and foremost show people I care about them. Stop touching me, and we’re over. Cuddles, strokes, hugs…this means, “I like you.” It makes me feel safe, wanted, secure, and connected to you.

Rule #3a: Sexytime is Super Important.
AKA “Slutty Cat is Slutty.” I have a high sex drive. I’ve masturbated five times since I started writing this entry. (That’s not true. It was seven times.) Sex is an important part of my relationships – and that means being able to do it, talk about it, and joke about it. Sex isn’t just PVI or orgasms, either…it can be making out, one person using the other to get off, tease and denial…really any form of sexual expression. I get off on the high of being aroused.

Rule #4: Talk to me.
Communication = teh sexy. Whether it’s occasional talks about how the relationship is going or little texts, keeping in contact is important because it shows I matter and am worth you taking time out of the rest of your life. The way I do my poly and relationships includes an emphasis on open, honest communication. I promise partners they won’t have to read my mind and I’ll bring up issues with the expectation that they do the same.

Rule #5: Spend time with me.
When my partners ask me to spend time with them, it tells me that they think I’m awesome and enjoy being around me. This has become problematic in my relationships. Neither L, nor Foxy, nor Seven reach out as much as I’d like for a number of reasons. It’s been a difficult process to re-internalize that just because they don’t always make the first move to spend time together doesn’t mean they don’t want to spend time with me.

RHS

PS: Excessive Use of Capitals is Dedicated to Boston.

Day 23: Put in Perspective

2011-06-29T17:05:00.001-07:00

It’s 30 Days of Kink!

Since you first developed an interest in kink, have your interests/perspectives changed? How so?

Since entering the public scene…

1. I have no problem being naked in front of strangers.
2. I regularly watch BDSM porn, which used to scare me/weird me out.
3. I sometimes forget that the correct response to “How was your night?” is not always “Fantastic! I dressed my boyfriend up in women’s fetish clothes and fucked him!”
4. I have a lot more hobbies. (What? Caning is a hobby.)
5. The idea of sending my husband on a date while I masturbate at home doesn’t seem that strange to me.
6. I discovered I am not a never-ending black hole for sex and emotion; I just need more than one person to feel full.
7. My wardrobe has gotten a-fucking-mazing.
8. I’ve learned a lot about what I like and want, as well as don’t like and don’t want.
9. I’ve faced my fears about a variety of subjects – jealousy, insecurity, pain – and come out stronger.
10. I see power dynamics in everything. Even Rainbow Brite. (Especially Rainbow Brite.)
11. I regret that some parts of my life cannot be shared with everyone I care about.
12. Strip clubs, not especially that interesting to me to begin with, are now especially boring.
13. Some things I considered hard limits (like needles and blood) have changed to soft limits or even eagerly-awaited next scenes.
14. I’ve become more fully aware of my different personas/needs (littlespace, being a cruel top, providing service, etc.) and done a lot of work to integrate and nurture them.
15. I have gained a greater understanding of people, power, hierarchy and how to work within non-kink systems of power using lessons from the kink world.

There’s probably more, but if I spend too much time on all the ways I’ve changed, I will never finish the 30 Days series.

RHS

Monogamy: I’m Not Wed to It

2011-06-26T18:10:00.000-07:00

In my recent process of coming out to family members and friends, someone suggested that being in an open relationship devalued my primary relationship – because I was having sex with other people. They felt my primary relationship was only special if we only have sex with each other.

Fuck that shit.

I didn’t say that, of course. But I asked, what happens if we aren’t having sex frequently? Does that mean my primary relationship means less? To place so much value on one aspect of the relationship seemed ridiculous to me.

I used to get really frustrated at the things L and I didn’t have in common – eating sushi, going camping, seeing new bands at concerts. And then I realized that he could do those things with anyone – but only I can make him feel secure and safe and loved in a very specific way. I make his day better. I comfort him when his life is going awry. I support him when he’s stressed. I’m there for him as a primary in an emotional way that nobody else matches completely. And that means a whole lot more than going to a fancy restaurant together. Or even rocking the sexytime.

I care very much for my partners and enjoy and value sexytime with them. I’ve had some casual sexual encounters and some intense and committed encounters. But in the words of Tori Amos, “So you can made me come / that doesn't make you Jesus.” Having sex with someone isn’t the be-all, end-all for me. Don’t get me wrong, the sexytime is trés important. And while a sexytime partner is pretty high on my priority list, bodily fluids are not the sole factor in someone’s importance to me or the importance of our relationship.

I know I’m in a minority. “Non-monogamy? That’s silly/dangerous/weird/selfish/etc!” I’m well-acquainted with the historical restriction of female sexuality beginning with when we were once all hunter/gatherers and junk and then started planting crops and staying in one place. And we starting keeping STUFF. We didn’t have to haul a bunch of bowls and shoes and toaster ovens arounds, so we could start accumulating. And then Bill Farmer makes this fancy farming tool and he decides he wants to make sure HIS son gets the fancy farming tool. So he tells Betty Farmer she needs to stop having sex with John Chairmaker. Thus the restriction of female sexuality and an emphasis on patrilineal heredity begins.

That’s one theory, anyway (and ridiculously condensed). And while the introduction of birth control has helped reshape female sexuality, we still have a long history of imbuing sex with magical, fantastical powers. As if maintaining a sexually-exclusive relationship ensures fidelity, trust and love. As if it guarantees a happy ending. As if it makes you better than everyone else.

I’m not saying polyamory is right for everyone. I’m not saying a sexually monogamous relationship is doomed to fail. I may even, days-months-years from now decide sexually monogamy is the shit and what I want for my life.

But by denying people the options, by perpetuating the stereotype that sexual monogamy is the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow and the one path to happiness, you’re denying them the option to reshape their lives and relationships in a way that could lead them to more happiness, more fulfillment, more self-actualization…

…and if you don’t agree, you can suck it.

RHS

Want (But Not Yet)

2011-06-23T18:18:00.000-07:00

I am not good with delayed gratification. If there is ice cream in my house (and there usually is), rarely can I avoid the tempting siren song that emanates from its creamy, delicious depths.

If faced with a choice between getting the dishes done and playing with a new toy, I almost always choose the toy. (It's NEW!)

If I have a text message but know I should wait until I put away the groceries because (oh no!) the ice cream is melting...I'll still sneak a peek at my phone.

You get the picture. I'm weak, people. I want, and I want it now.

Except when it comes to sex. In college, I heard the phrase, "Don't start the lawnmower if you can't get the grass," ie "don't get me all worked up and then not follow through."

My response? "Hell, yes, I'm starting the lawnmower! And I have NO plans to cut the grass!"

This type of play - usually referred to as "tease and denial" - is one of my biggest kinks. Because for me, I love the high of being so turned on that I can barely think. I love being filled with need and longing. I love the simplicity of a world that has been broken down only to: "I want." There are times the orgasm is secondary to the feeling of intensity and sometimes what I want more than release. (And as the top, I love the power trip of reducing a strong, sexy and dynamic person into a quivering puddle of goo. Fun!)

But it's not as easy as telling the other person, "no, you can't come." (Although that's super hot, too.) You have to understand how to push the other person's buttons and maintain the right balance of giving enough to keep them interested but not so much that they're satisfied - manipulating their desire like a well-tuned instrument.

For me, there’s something inherently sexy about tease and denial. Stroking the curve of my inner thigh, so close to my sensitive labia, until I’m squirming against your hand and begging to be touched. Playing with my clit and then stopping, playing and then stopping, playing and then stopping. Pushing your lips against mine, shoving your tongue into my mouth and getting me hot…and then walking away. Telling me I’d better come fast because your hand really hurts and you’re going to stop soon. Teasing me until I’m so turned on that I’ll beg and plead for you to keep going, Making me into your plaything to be teased mercilessly because it amuses you…

…yum.

RHS

Day 22: Vanilla vs Rocky Road

2011-06-14T07:19:00.000-07:00

It’s 30 Days of Kink!

What do you think is important in keeping a BDSM relationship healthy? How does it differ from a vanilla relationship?

This entry took me a long time to wrap my head around. I mean, all relationships need certain things to stay healthy. Granted, my relationships are a little bit more complicated than Mrs. Joe Average. When you throw in a little bondage, a little spanking, things get complicated. When you add power exchange into it, the complications multiply. When you add multiple partners/polyamory into the mix, it becomes this roiling pot of soup that could boil over at any minute.

Whether someone lives the lifestyle 24/7, whether they have multiple partners, or whether they incorporate a lot or a little kink, I believe all relationships, no matter their flavor, need certain things to stay healthy.

1. Make time for each other.
I have a husband, a girlfriend, a boyfriend, a platonic soul mate, a little sister, a job, a social life, friends, family, and my own interests. Like ice cream. If I didn’t schedule time for people on my Google calendar, I’m not sure I’d see any of my partners. This goes double true for L – we live together, but we make “us” time that isn’t just emptying the dishwasher or talking about the bills.

2. Spend some time apart.
L has a saying: “how can I miss you if you don’t go away?” As strange as it may sound, time apart helps nurture the relationship, too. All of my partners have different strengths and weaknesses – just like me. Being away from them helps me realize and appreciate the things they do, whether it’s understanding my crazy brain, being playful, or knowing exactly what to say.

3. Don’t let kink get in the way.
I am more than my fetishes. If my partners and I rely too heavily on the one thing we have in common, it’s easy for the relationship to become one-dimensional or even stagnant. I try to share non-kink things with my partners: a movie, a picnic in the park, a trip to the zoo, a joint craft project. It makes me feel more connected and I usually learn something new about them, too.

4. Don’t forget about kink.
You’re tired. It’s been a stressful week. Even cuddling seems like a lot of work, let alone sex, let alone a scene, let alone sex and a scene. It’s tempting to treat kink like dinner – it’s easier to heat up a frozen meal than to make something yourself. But putting the time and effort in for something that you both share can help you feel more connected. (And if the laundry has just got to be folded, it sounds like a hotel maid/hotel manager scene in the making!)

6. Maintain open and honest communication.
Maybe you want more time. Maybe you want a different kind of scene. Maybe you want to flirt with the cutie from the last play party. Sharing is caring – but it can also be scary. My partners are some of the most important people to the world to me, and their opinion means a great deal. Don’t let feelings of insecurity, jealousy or awkwardness stop you from sharing how you feel, what you want, or what you need. You’re only guaranteeing that you won’t get your needs met.

7. Try on their shoes once in a while.
Sorry cross-dressers, I don’t mean literal high heels. Put yourself in your partner’s place – especially when you don’t understand why they’re acting the way they are. How often do you think about how your partner is feeling or going through? Are they anxious because of work, or lack of work? Are they dealing with a lot of life changes? Are they struggling with a new partner? If you have difficulty getting in their head, just ask them for a little help understanding.

RHS

Day 21: On My Bookshelf

2011-06-08T07:29:00.001-07:00

It’s 30 Days of Kink!

Favorite BDSM related book (fiction or non-fiction)?

I love The New Topping Book and The New Bottoming Book by Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy. I include them as one book because they’re two sides of the same coin, and I highly recommend reading both – regardless of your power orientation.

Like most kinksters, I’ve read the classics: SM 101, Screw the Roses, etc. When I read the Topping/Bottoming books, they stuck with me more than the others.

I love these books because they helped me understand the theories behind topping and bottoming. What people get out of power dynamics isn’t just “Haha, now I have the power!” There’s catharsis, the thrill of the taboo, fighting back, punishment, control…there are as many ways to play with power as there are types of floggers.

I love these books because they don’t focus on technique. Knowing how to suspend someone so they don’t fall and crack open their head is important, but some people are turned on by more than just the feel of the rope, the sound of the whip. The books talk about how to create headspaces so you’re playing with the body AND the mind.

I love the inclusion of different ways to play. It doesn’t all have to be “I’ve been a naughty girl, Principal Masters.” I’ve blogged before about this very specific idea of what kink is, and too often it’s easy to forget that not everyone gets off on the same things you do.

You may not love these books. You may feel like another book does a better job. But for me, they were critical in my journey to explore what it was about kink that so appealed to me.

RHS

A Piece of Meat

2011-06-04T14:09:00.000-07:00

Maybe it was the recent vein tap. Maybe it's all the suspension work L and I did at Shibaricon last weekend. Maybe it's one of Seven's newest pictures. Maybe it's the joke I made about coming as a kitten labeled with cuts of meat for an upcoming post-apocalyptic-themed play party. (When the end of the world comes, kittens are on the menu.)

No matter the reason, lately my thoughts have started to fill with meat...with flesh...with blood...

...which is funny for someone who doesn't actually eat meat. (No, not even bacon ice cream.)

The first night L and I played at Shibaricon, I asked for a sensual, erotic scene, which he gave me. Halfway through, however, I realized I wanted claws and teeth. I wanted vicious. I felt like a piece of meat that had been strung up; I wanted all the feelings I get from feeling helpless, used, abused, and objectified.

I had this idea for a scene I want to do at this upcoming play party. I want to dress like a kitty (easy costume: ears, tail, claws and nudity). I want Seven to draw cuts of meat on me. And I want L to suspend me. And I want to feel all those intense emotions: use me, hurt me, defile me, eat me.

L and I have never really played that way. Seven and I are more used to playing in these intense ways. We have scenes involving non-consensuality and sexual objectification. But I want to share more of these things with L - these dark, intense, scary feelings. I want to feel emotionally connected to him in this powerful way where I can trust him to debase me, to hurt me...but not to harm me. I want us to take each other to the edge and fall, arms wrapped around each other for protection.

So I pitched the idea of this kind of scene to L. It took a while before I was able to fully open up. (Awkwardsauce Moment #38: telling your husband you want him to string you up like a butcher’s special.) But after explaining what I wanted and where I wanted to go with my headspace, he said: “I can work with that.”

I met with Seven the day of the party to go over his part – drawing on me, “prepping” the meat – and he was also really excited. The scenes were in place – there was nothing left to do but pack and wait for the party to start.

The party itself was amazing. The organizers worked really hard and it showed. After running around naked for a while (it’s what I do), I was ready to be meat. Seven’s costume was creepy, elaborate, and awesome – and netted him a prize! Body paint made him near unrecognizable, and the combination of metal spikes in his costume and an altered voice made me giggle not because it was funny, but because I didn’t know any other way to process it. He attached my wrists to a suspension point (but not before I tried to run, which was super hot and must happen again) and then painted cut lines and labeled my different “cuts” of meat.

Then it was time for L to suspend me. He used new ropes that were thicker and the position was incredibly comfortable – I immediately slipped into happy suspension endorphin high headspace. Between a cane, a meat tenderizer, meat forks, metal claws and biting, my body was definitely starting to feel abused. (I love showering later and feeling the hot water over fresh scratches. Yum.)

After the scene, L started aftercare but I was in such a strange place I didn’t know how to tell him what I needed. I felt scared. I felt like I was in danger and helpless. I wanted to hide. I wanted to burrow into a blanket so nobody could see me…talk to me…or try to eat me.

Post-suspension headspace is hit or miss for me. Sometimes, it’s amazing and floaty. Sometimes, it’s scary and emotional. I asked L if he could have friend/kinkster/pro-domme Tulsi (of vein tap fame) come over. She’d had an intense scene, too, so we cuddled and she made me feel safe and strong again.

I’m really glad I tried this type of scene, and I’m really glad I got to share it with L. He’s constantly vigilant about protecting our relationship, and me – so he’s often wary of doing things that will harm me or cause me emotional damage. I feel like this was a good first step in playing on a different level; maybe he’ll feel more comfortable playing in the dark and bringing out that inner monster.

RHS

Kinkier than Thou

2011-06-03T07:23:00.000-07:00

"I am hardcore. I am a badass. I play harder than you. I'm more into dominance and submission than you. I live it 24/7. I am kinkier than thou."

Sometimes you meet people who are convinced of their own kinky superiority, as if being strung up by barbed wire and licking a chainsaw and having parts of your skin cut off and fed to you makes you a better kinkster.

And I'm not going to lie. I've suffered from moments of a Kinky Superiority Complex, as if sexual practices were a scale. (Clearly, 1 is sex, lights off, missionary style. 10 is an orgy in the park with blood, frosting and rabbits.)

I was chatting with my first boyfriend, Agent Awesome and was telling him that L and I had just gotten back from a bondage convention. He said he still doesn't really get it. "Maybe I'm just a pussy," he says.

I was surprised. This is the man with whom I had my first kinky experience. He painted me with glow-in-the-dark paint. We used handcuffs. And he's telling me he doesn't get kink?

And that's when I realized that a lot of "vanilla" people - even those closest to me - had a very specific idea of what kink was. And from what they hear from me and our good friend The Mainstream Media, it's not surprising. There's bondage. There's hitting. There's screaming. There's sexy women in corsets, fishnets and thigh-high leather boots.

Yes. Kink is all of that. But there's so much more! It doesn't have to be all whips and chains (thank you, Rhianna). Sexy kinky funtime doesn't have to look like the set of a scary movie. It doesn't have to be screaming and pain and blood. It can be a couple pretending to be a naughty schoolgirl and the teacher who's going to "punish" her. It can be watching a sexy porn and doing the same positions as the actors. It can be inviting friends to cover someone in frosting and then lick it off.

Kink is what it looks like for you. Sure, there're traditional ideas of kinky sex. But what it comes down to is sexual expression. I don't want kink to be a members-only club where you have to earn the right to feel like you belong, or be made to feel excluded because you're not into pain. I want a world full of kinky people getting it on, feeling sexy, feeling accepted and enjoying the hell out of life.

And if some of them are dressed as teachers, tapping a ruler against their hand in a show of what's to come...well, that's just a sexy bonus.

RHS

At Your Service

2011-05-21T14:02:00.000-07:00

My husband and I do not have a traditional marriage. Some nights, we curl up on the couch and watch “The West Wing.” Other nights, he ties up women at the local bondage club while I go on a date with another man. We believe that it’s possible to maintain multiple committed relationships that are sexually and emotionally fulfilling – but not at the price of our own relationship.

Even monogamous couples become complacent, become more like roommates, forget to do the little things. You know, like complimenting the other’s outfit…bringing flowers…rubbing ice on their nipples. So what’s a polyamorous couple to do when complacency sets in?

Cheesy as it sounds, you have to invest time and energy. You have to stay connected, and not just with rope. I’ve talked about love languages before and how you can communicate love to your partner, and I’m lucky that both partners Foxy and Seven identify most with Touch, with Words – just like me.

L, however, likes to be shown love with Acts of Service. Which was easy to figure out when we identified more strongly as a Dominant/submissive couple: I could rub his feet, clear his dishes, make him tea. As I’ve grown more toppy and dominant, it’s gotten harder to bring myself to do those little things. We don’t keep the power dynamics in place all the time, but they do tend to spill over into our everyday lives. And of course, we all know dominants don’t do the dishes. They don’t pick up the dry cleaning. That’s what submissives are for, right? (Ha!)

I don't know what the solution is yet. It may be to suck it up and do these things because I love him, not because I feel submissive that day. It may be to engage that submissive part of me more to make sure it gets attention (so I’m going to serve L at a Tea & Discipline party this weekend). It may be I need to reframe what it means to serve and to perform acts of service. That it's not an issue of D/s, since L identifies as mostly dominant but still performs acts of service, like planning our trip to San Francisco and making sure we’re financially stable.

I think I’ll be struggling with this issue for a while. Any ideas?

RHS

Objects of Lust

2011-05-15T13:03:00.000-07:00

Seven and I were talking about ways he can make me into an object. He correctly pointed out that while I've blogged about why I like object space, I haven't talked about what kind of objects I'd like to be. (Other than a delicious dessert platter.) I was more than a little surprised - as a self-admitted overthinker, I'd thought I'd documented and analyzed all my kinks to an inch of their life…and yet pinning down the specifics of objectification has eluded me.

Objectification that incorporates my kinks works well: being pretty and shown off fits my exhibitionism. Being put in a position where I'm sexually exposed fits my helpless and vulnerable kink. I love sensation play, so scenes that incorporate different types of touching, pressure, temperature or other yumminess makes me a happy girl. I like having fun giggly time. I like providing service to people I care about. Sometimes I like being challenged.

So how does this play out with actual objects?

Giving it some thought, I immediately vetoed footstool. Or coat rack. Or any piece of furniture that is arranged and then left alone. That may work for some people, but I need a basic level of regular interaction, either directly or indirectly. I need the feeling of being used more than being useful. So I wandered around my house…and work…and strangers’ houses…and supermarkets…and came up with some ideas.

Food platter. Food + lust + sensory gratification = yumyumyum.

Candle holder. It’s scary, sexy and challenging to know that only a few inches of wax separate my back from fire.

Board game. I like when people have fun.

Chair. Seven suggested this, and I went to a place with legs spread and tied, forced exposure and I had to make him stop talking because I was driving and didn’t want to kill us both.

Art Canvas. Seven has promised to decorate my body in tons of hickeys. I would also melt at wax painting, fingerpainting, pudding painting…

Toy Rack. I’m picturing some sort of way toys can be hung on me

Dress-Up Doll. Maybe I’ve just listened to Aqua’s “Barbie Doll” too many times.

Scratching Post. I’m a kitty. I love being scratched. I love being things.

Blow-Up Doll. I’m pretty sure I don’t have to explain this one.

Bondage Sculpture. Not all objects have to be useful.

I wonder what else I can be made into…

RHS

Day 20: Playing by the Rules

2011-05-11T15:11:00.000-07:00

It’s 30 Days of Kink!

Talk about something within kink/bdsm that you’re curious about/don’t understand.

I didn’t really like or understand protocol as a bottom. Stay quiet and stay still? It went against my very nature...but when the local TNG kinksters (19-35 age group) decided to host a High Protocol dinner, I asked L if he’d like to go as two tops with our respective play partners/submissives/bitches. He said yes – and suddenly I began thinking about protocol from a whole new perspective.

At first, I was scared. High Protocol – you can practically hear the capital letters. But I figured this would be an excellent opportunity to learn more about protocol in a safe environment without someone shaking their finger that I’m doing something wrong.

So I did some reading. And talking. And more reading. And more talking. And I thought about What Protocol Means to Me. I really liked this definition: “a set of rules that govern a specific action or behavior in a given situation.” Easy enough, right? And I began to understand why protocol is appealing to some people...

-Protocol provides consistency in action.
-Protocol allows you to be fully present and focused in what you're doing.
-Protocol celebrates the uniqueness of the relationship and the people within it.
-Protocol reinforces the bond between the two or more people.
-Protocol emphasizes the difference in status between the two or more people.

This all made sense on a cognitive level, but what did it look like? Turning to friends, high protocol books and websites, I found the traditional image of high protocol - the attentive slave kneeling at their Master’s feet – didn’t work for me. It didn’t feel authentic.

I’m not the most serious person in the community; I’ve told several people one protocol will be that for the next half hour, any comments or questions must be directed to a sock puppet on my hand. Beyond that, I’ll be going to the dinner with Seven and boston, a dear friend whose ideas on protocol are much more traditional and service-oriented. But Seven loves the idea of being a pet, an object of pleasure - our dynamic has become much more Goddess/worshipper, not Master/slave.

Since I feel like protocols should stem from the relationship and the people within it, I’m trying to take what gets him off into consideration, and how he envisions his role as pet. (Plus what I want. Because that's what this is really about, right?)

So the protocols I've come up with stem from this worship and adoration idea. Which isn't that far removed from a Master/slave dynamic, but it's framed differently. Many traditional high protocol rules (the slave cannot look anyone in the eye, must ask permission to use the restroom) seem to me to stem from removing control and choice from the submissive and reinforces the owner/property dynamic.

But Seven isn't my property as much as a willing worshipper - I'm more concerned with him brushing my hair and showering me with compliments than making sure my drink gets a refill. He's on his knees next to me mostly so I can touch him and be touched. I want him to bring me food and drink as a gift or offering. We might have the same protocols that restrict his behavior, but the reasoning is different. He should be attentive and see to my comfort and happiness, but not because he belongs to me.

High protocol can be really intimidating, and I’m still figuring out what place it might have in Seven’s and my dynamic. It may be like a dress that’s a little too big and won’t quite fit. Or, with a little thought and work, the dress may be reworked to fit perfectly.

And damn, I’ll look fantastic.

RHS

Blood, Sweat and Cake

2011-05-07T21:28:00.000-07:00

Cake and blood. They shouldn’t go together…but last night they did, nicely, at an objectification-themed play party. I’m talking human footstools, human art canvases…

…and human dessert platters.

I’ve wanted to be a human dessert platter for a year now, ever since being a human sushi platter. I love object space - you don’t have to think and people get to do wonderful sensation things to you.

But my cakey dreams went unfulfilled until I told Seven. I told him I wanted to be this beautiful object that provides deliciousness to people. I explained what I liked about the idea, and he started planning. And went above and beyond. Not only did he realize this party would be the perfect opportunity, but he made a cake. Red velvet cake. Which I love. He made it to match the blood scene I had planned later. From SCRATCH. He did research on the most authentic recipe. (It involves beets.)

He amazes me sometimes.

Seven started the scene by wrapping Saran wrap around my breasts, torso and legs so the cake could rest on me and still be hygienic. It was an unusual feeling – being naked, but “clothed” – and it was pretty hot. Especially when he started touching me through the wrap…

...I was saying something. Right. I hopped on the table and he turned the cake over onto me. The weight of the cake sent me object space pretty quickly. It’s hard to describe: you’re functional, but still functioning. I couldn’t really talk because I’d mess up the cake. Also, platters don’t talk.

What I love about being certain types of objects is the sensual interaction. I could feel the cake moving against my skin as Seven frosted it and drizzled chocolate over it. When he cut the cake, I could feel this erotic, intense energy like he was slicing through my own body. There were cups of strawberries on my breasts, providing a neat temperature contrast to the warm cake. And after a while, things got fuzzy I went deeper into object space. At the end, I felt relaxed and a little spent – but in the way you feel after you’ve accomplished something good. This scene fed so many of my kinks, it was like getting three scenes for the price of one.

And he totally wants to do it again. Which makes me feel yummy and loved.

So we did The Aftercare, and then it was time for…the blood. I’d planned a vein tap last month, but the top wasn’t feeling well that night, so we rescheduled for last night. L was out of town, but Seven was there to hold my hand and do cuddle time if I needed it. (Which was good because L does not like blood play.) Basically a vein tap is a needle is stuck into your arm with a magic thingy so blood starts coming out at a measured pace.

That’s right. I’m a badass.

I was nervous before she stuck me, worried I wouldn’t be able to get to the right headspace. But she reassured me and I felt just a little pinch – then looked down – then

HOLY SHIT! That’s my blood! MY blood! Pouring out of me! Is it safe? It seems like a lot - is it a lot? That’s my blood. It was inside of me. Now it’s outside of me …and it’s warm. And really red…

The blood didn’t come out as fast as I thought it might. There really wasn’t that much, either – later I estimated less than a cup. The top started playing with my blood, smearing it on me, dribbling it over my skin. It sparked a different headspace: I felt tougher, like I could take more, but was also a little distanced from it. At some point, we invited Seven to slip on a glove and start playing in my blood, too. (I was very viscerally reminded of the HBO series “True Blood,” which will now turn me on in a whole new way.) As my blood coagulated, the top played with it and put it on me. It was super gross…but I kind of liked being forcibly grossed out in the space. (It helps that I really trust the top.)

After, both of us were sort of giggly and stupid. She had gone into a very deep headspace, which was really cool. I went to a part littlespace, part not-smart, part quiet headspace (which amused Seven to no end). He took good care of me the rest of the night, which say they is important so you don’t crash later from the endorphins leaving your system so dramatically.

I was happy that Seven responded well to all my headspaces, and he seemed to have a pretty good time playing with SlutCake and SlutBlood. I’m slowly getting comfortable being who I am with him – weird kinks and quirks and all. I’m sharing insecurities and fears, and not worrying that he’s going to feel weird, or respond badly. Trust has never been my strong suit, which seems strange for the night I had. I feel lucky I have some really great people in my life.

People who love cake and blood.

RHS

Going Viral, Part 1

2011-05-01T13:46:00.000-07:00

I’ve learned a lot since opening up my marriage to L. Communication, prioritization, time management…all things that got better or changed once we agreed that we would not be emotionally or physically monogamous.

But I’m still learning and experiencing new (and sometimes unexpected) lessons. Seven and I were in the park having lunch when the phone call came. Seven had gotten an STD screening, and his doctor told him that he was seropositive for Herpes Simplex Virus type 2 antibodies, which meant he had likely been infected with HSV2.

My first thought wasn’t how it would affect me, or my partners. I realized his life was not going to be the same. It wasn’t earth-shatteringly different, perhaps – but it would always be there. And that he was going to need all the support he could. And that I didn’t want to be the kind of person who walked away because of something like this.

As we spent the next few weeks learning more about the virus, Seven and I also talked a lot about how this could and would affect our relationship. What would happen if I became infected, or if I passed the virus on to L? As more conversations took place about what we felt were appropriate precautions, I got scared. I started to feel like I had to choose between the risk of infecting my primary partner or end a relationship that was really amazing.

I called Seven, who initially thought I was breaking up with him. I tried to communicate that I felt like I was in a no-win situation and I didn’t know what to do. I knew I was having an emotional reaction, and he used his magical logic skills to help me see things from a different perspective.

With the help of a fantastic woman who is also HSV2 positive, the three of us – me, Seven and L – came to agreements about what were appropriate precautions. L and I also agreed that he wouldn’t ask me to end the relationship because of the new information, and if I were in the same situation, I couldn’t ask him to give up something that made me happy when the health risks weren’t as severe as other STIs.

It’s possible I could get the virus. It’s possible I could pass it to L. It’s possible he could get another woman pregnant. It’s possible that he could fall in love with another woman and leave me. It’s possible I could fall in love with another man or woman and leave him.

These are the risks we take. These are the possible prices of admission for having multiple relationships. I move forward, knowing this. Because the rewards I get: love, emotional support, sexual fulfillment, new experiences, joy, excitement, appreciation of what all the people in my life bring…I believe they are worth the cost. I may change my mind; I've learned in my life to never say never.

But right now, I'm not going to let a little virus stop me from being happy.

RHS

I Want to Scream

2011-04-22T16:38:00.000-07:00

Ok, I admit it: I love the Scream movies. So when I went to see the most recent one last week, I was a little geeked out. (It’s not like I showed up in a Ghostface mask or anything. I was just jumping up and down…and repeating the movie’s title over and over. And over.)

People are sometimes surprised when they find out I love the tales of poor Sidney Prescott. I have trouble with horror movies; I overemphasize with the characters. I can remind myself that it’s not real all I want, but it’s hard to shut off that cringes and recoils at someone’s suffering. It’s a sharp contrast to my friends and partners who readily admit being turned on by horror movies.

Horror movies have always simultaneously scared and fascinated me. I usually avoid seeing them or sneaking a peek at their Wikipedia entry. But I’ve gleefully watched the Scream movies multiple times…so I started to wonder if maybe my fascination with the series runs a little deeper than mere entertainment. Maybe Scream speaks to me on a kinky level that I can deconstruct in order to make what scares me a little less scary.

(Stand back, folks. It’s gonna get geeky.)

Scary movies and sex have been intertwined since we first started telling scary stories. I know a lot’s been written about the sexualized elements in the films. But I’ve never thought about scary movies as they relate to my own kinks.

Take voyeurism and exhibitionism, for example. There is a lot of watching and being watched going on in the Scream movies. When the killer calls, he often mentions something specific, like a movie they’re watching, to make it very clear – he’s nearby, and he’s watching. Even hotter, it’s forced exhibitionism – the watchee has no control over how and when they’re being watched.

I’m an edger. I’m totally into getting myself to the point of orgasm, backing off, ramping up, backing off – riding that buzzy delicious high for as long as possible before I finally send myself over the edge. And when I think about it, suspense is kind of like that. The anticipation and tension alternates ramping up and backing off until the (literal or figurative) climax.

Sidney and the eventual victims in the movie are often placed in situations of helplessness – the power is cut off, they’re trapped in another room or house, forced to watch while their friends or family are slaughtered (forced voyeurism!). I shouldn’t be turned on by that – my logical brain rebels against the intrinsic horror of such a scenario – but that dark, deep shadowy part of my brain that likes being choked, likes being called a slut, likes that feeling of helplessness and vulnerability, being at someone else’s mercy…that part of me is having a party when those scenes come on.

I pride myself on being self-aware – of being able to understand how I operate, why I do what I do, and how I process emotions. The movies, too, contain a level of meta-awareness; the characters frequently reference the “rules” of the horror film genre. There’s an appreciation, though perhaps not in a strict kink sense, of being able to apply rules and guidelines to your reality.

The movies themselves are almost like scenes – I can envision Sidney as a bottom who goes through (admittedly non-consensual) endurance scenes of pain, suffering and fear. She comes out tougher, stronger, and able to not only take what’s dished out but to dish it out herself.

Maybe all these kink elements are intrinsic to suspense movies, and I just don’t watch enough to know. If that’s the case, I wonder why people are so freaked out by BDSM and kink. The difference in intensity between watching a scary movie and asking your partner to pretend to kill you is pretty clear in my mind…but the intrinsic desire to be scared in a controlled environment is still there. I think it’s something a lot of people share.

Now I have to figure out what my other favorite movies say about my kinks. I’m totally into the Jurassic Park movies…I bet I have a hidden Velociraptor fetish.

RHS

Day 19 – Dress You Up in My Kink

2011-04-21T20:59:00.000-07:00

It’s 30 Days of Kink!

Day 19: Any unexpected ways kink has improved your life? If so, what are they?

There are a lot of ways kink has enriched my life. I’ve created a deeper relationship with L. I’ve met a lot of people who have made my life better. I’ve learned about myself, through experience and introspection.

But the number one way kink has improved my life?

My wardrobe.

That’s right. I was never a fashionista. I picked up Cosmopolitan magazine and bypassed the clothes, skipping straight to the sex section. I might see a top I thought was cute. I could occasionally cry squee over a skirt. But shoes? Never understood the fascination. And purses? So much hassle! (You have to keep moving things back and forth and back and forth…)

Until kink.

Now, a whole new world has opened up. It’s like a beautiful fetishy closet door has slid open to reveal untold wonders. Collars and restraints! Wicked high heels! Claw rings! And Sexy. Fucking. Stockings.

What I love most about kink costuming (besides the sexy fucking stockings) is the transformative power of pieces of fabric. In an instant, I can be an innocent schoolgirl – a cruel goddess – a saucy French maid – a domineering Stepford wife - a take-charge corporate bitch. I get to tap into these archetypes of power and helplessness, sexiness and allure…I get to BE someone else for a little while.

And damn, if that isn’t cool.

RHS

Knife

2011-04-11T07:31:00.001-07:00

I am waiting on the bed, as instructed. Eyes closed, clad only in a bra and panties. I breathe deeply until I feel his hand on my shoulder. My heart rate doubles. His breath warm against my ear, he whispers, “Are you ready?”

I nod, and he fits the blindfold over my eyes. He waits a few seconds, lets me adjust to my sight being taken away. Thankfully soon, I feel his hands back on my body, sliding up to my hands – binding one wrist to the bed, then the other.

His fingers dance lightly across my exposed body and move down to tie my ankles. The air is cool against my skin, and every touch feels electric. I jump a little when I feel his hands clamp down on my ankles – he roughly spreads my legs apart and I bite back a moan. He loops the rope over each foot and ties off the ends, securing me to the bed.

I can feel him move away when done; I’m sure he’s examining his handiwork. He knows I’m not really going to try to get away…but there’s no sense in making it easy for me. I struggle against the restraints, enjoying the feel of helplessness with my arms restrained and my legs spread wide open.

The cold, sharp edge of the knife against my shoulder startles me. I feel him slip the blade under my bra strap, pulling the material higher and higher until the fabric gives, snapping into my skin. The sharp sting makes me pull away, and his hand comes out of nowhere and wraps around my neck.

That familiar yet erotic sensation sends a charge through my body. The pressure against my throat makes me a little dizzy, and more than a little wet. Laughing softly into my ear, he calls me a little slut. Under the other bra strap goes the knife, then between my breasts. He moves his hand from my neck to hold the bra, works the knife against the material, and eventually it tears and he pulls the fabric from my body.

Then the knife is on my inner thigh. I know what’s coming. He slowly moves the knife’s edge up my leg - first lightly, then pushing down into flesh. I feel the blade slide under the lace edge of my panties, can hear the rip as the fabric gives way. He teases me with the sensation of steel on skin, dragging the knife down one thigh and up the other. The knife shreds the other side of my panties and his hand slides underneath, slowly pulling them away from my body. I am naked, exposed, vulnerable.

He holds the knife against my inner thigh, slowly tracing the edge around my skin, higher and higher until I can feel the metal next to my labia. I’m breathing quickly, simultaneously trying to get away from the blade…but also squirming towards it…

RHS

Day 18 – Feeding My Pet Peeves

2011-04-10T15:22:00.001-07:00

It’s 30 Days of Kink!

Day 18: Any kinky/BDSM pet peeves? If so, what are they?

So this seems to be the rant section of the 30 Days…feel free to skip or keep going for hilarity.

I love when…

People touch property (toys, people, clothes, etc.) that don’t belong to them. Really, it’s complimentary. You have something they think is shiny and neat. You should be flattered. (Seriously, why aren’t you flattered?!)

People come up to you to participate in your scene, grabbing toys out of your hand. You’re having so much fun; it’d be rude not to share it with other people. And if you didn’t want people to participate in your scene, you shouldn’t be playing in public in the first place.

People take time out of their busy day to let you know that even though you identify as a switch, you’re really just a slave and you haven’t found the right Master yet. And they’d be happy to take some time to help you along your journey to find your true path. (Also, they know you won’t expect them to use a condom.)

People start talking to you in the middle of your scene. A true kinkster can totally carry on a conversation with someone while beating their partner with a flogger. This is clearly the best time to start debating the merits of leather versus suede floggers.

People stand really close to observe your scene. Really close. Like “we should talk about our prior sexual history” close.

People mistake “hello” for “please, spend an hour with me telling me about your life’s journey. Yes, please include the trauma and abuse you’ve gone through, even though we just met. I also need to know about your current partner, who is clearly a raving psychotic for not appreciating when you left a flaming teddy bear on his or her bed. Oh, and don’t worry, I don’t have anything useful to contribute. You should feel free to take the lion’s share of this conversation.”

Yes. This is all very sexy, and there should be more of it.

RHS

Day 17 – All You Kinky People Are All Alike

2011-04-06T17:28:00.000-07:00

It’s 30 Days of Kink!

Day 17: What misconception about kinky people would you most like to clear up?

Misconceptions? About kinky people? I’m sure mainstream America has a perfectly accurate vision of what people in the lifestyle are like – especially thanks to Rihanna’s latest single. But just in case…

Kinky people are not all socially maladjusted with a misunderstanding of personal space, privacy and social etiquette.
Kinky people are not all atheistic Christianity-bashers.
Kinky people do not all lack a basic dedication to personal hygiene.
Kinky people are not all serial killers.
Kinky people are not all psychologically unhealthy and in co-dependent and/or abusive relationships.
Kinky people do not all play to the extreme, such as with barbed wire, role-play murder, and suturing labia shut.
Kinky people aren’t all just looking to get laid.

That clears things up, right?

RHS

Day 16 – Sssshhhh!

2011-04-04T21:35:00.000-07:00

It’s 30 Days of Kink!

Day 16: What are the most difficult aspects of having a sexuality that involves kink or BDSM for you personally?

That sex got more expensive than a condom and a bottle of lube. I mean, good quality rope and a nice cane doesn’t come cheap. Plus the time and energy you put into not hurting people…that’s a big investment!

Seriously, though, it’s frustrating not to be able to share my passions and interests and life experiences with everyone. While some of my friends and family know, others don’t because they won’t agree with my life choices or it’s information they’d really rather not know.

For me, BDSM and sex are interrelated. While going on about my sex life to everyone isn’t necessarily mandatory, I don’t like lying about what I did all weekend. I don’t like having to figure out an alternate “this is how I met my friend Foxy” story. I wish saying “I was at a bondage club” garnered as much or less interest as “I was at my book club.”

There are other costs to being interested in kink, especially with public events: maintaining a level of secrecy and privacy within the community, negotiating with partners to make sure everyone’s getting attention and that boundaries are clear, and the safety risk that comes with letting someone tie you up and hang you on a hook. But to me, those are all acceptable prices to pay for the benefits of my kinky life.

Silence should never be a price to pay to engage in what you love. I’m fortunate in that I can come out to some people who may initially be taken aback, but now they know that the world of kink isn’t filled with weirdoes and possible serial killers. And maybe that’s the path to greater acceptance.

RHS

Victim

2011-04-03T16:31:00.001-07:00

“I don’t want you to see me as a victim.”

Those were the words that wouldn’t leave my mouth. I was doing post-scene debriefing with Seven, who had topped me for the first time the night before. It was a really cool scene. He used medical wrap gauze stuff for a blindfold and put earplugs in my ears – which was pretty fantastic since I‘m out of practice tuning noise out as a bottom. After binding me with medical tape, he scratched designs and math into my skin with a needle. (Mmm…hot kinky geekery. Plus objectification/body as canvas sexiness. Win!)

The scene was empowering in a couple of ways. At the beginning, I flashed back to a novel I’d read about a woman who’d been abducted, raped and cut by a group of bikers. I was scared I’d go to a place where it wasn’t fun and was worried I’d have to end the scene. But I reminded myself that if I had control of the situation; I knew he’d stop if I needed him to.

The scene also stretched some of my pain tolerance. I love being scratched, but I haven’t bottomed in a while. It took the endorphins a while to come out and say hello. There were a couple of times I wanted him to back off the intensity, but I pushed through and felt stronger for it.

The next day, we got to spend some time together in non-scene space. I was happy, because while I’ve topped him several times before, this was the first time he really saw me as a bottom. And I was a little nervous the day after. There was that fear that says “you’re going to look at me differently now. You won’t be able to see me as a top now that we’ve switched. You’re going to see me as “less” for being on the other end. You’re going to think I’m weird for liking what you’re doing to me.”

But I reminded myself that Seven is a switch. I know he understands the desire to alternate which end of the paddle you’re on. I know that his kinks run darker that I thought they would, and he’s not going to think less of me if I’m into something he’s not. (It’s probably a better chance that he’s into it, too.)

I used to love bottoming. I used to love that feeling of helplessness. I used to love falling into submission and subspace. I used to love the feeling of letting everything fade away. I used to love being bound and knowing the other person can do whatever they want to me.

I still love those things, and they’ve fallen by the wayside. I need to remember that all of my parts need care and attention: the little, the slut, the top, and even the bottom. She deserves to come out and play more – and soon.

RHS

Day 15 – If You Want Blood

2011-03-28T12:36:00.000-07:00

It’s 30 Days of Kink!

Day 15: Post a BDSM/kink activity you’re curious about and would like to try.

As part of an upcoming medical play-themed party, I will be doing a vein tap. What is a vein tap, you ask? I’m not sure of the exact mechanics, but a Really Big Needle will go into my arm, and Lots of My Blood will come out.

Ok, maybe not lots. But more than comes out of my arm on a daily basis.

Why am I doing this? Because I‘m scared. And fascinated. Because I found someone who’s become an amazing friend and while we’ve only played once, took me so high I’m not sure I could have told you my name. She has fantastic energy and absolutely loves blood play. I think it’s for her what ice cream is for me. (And if I could do a scene where I got ice cream to come out of one of my partner’s arms, yes - I would totally be laying on the floor with my mouth open.)

The thing about the vein tap – and I write this without having watched one – is it seems like you could go to so many different spaces. It could be a celebration of power and life…it could be this feeling of sacrifice…it could tap into this feral, primal part of me…I could feel incredibly powerful or powerless. I have no way of knowing.

This is not a kink for the faint of heart. L firmly believes blood should stay inside the body. Her Majesty has a hard limit for medical play and needles. Foxy loves needles and blood, but I don’t think she could rip me open and let my blood pour out. Even Seven, the guy I’m dating, is shaking his head at the idea. (And he’s not what I’d call a light player.)

And that’s why doing this is so important to me. Blood play isn’t something I really hope I’m into, so there’s no pressure on it being the Best Scene Ever. But I may find out I’m totally into it. And playing on the edge – at least the idea of it – is really sexy.

I may cry. I may only last a few seconds. I may crash really hard. But I know this amazing woman will do everything she can to make it a wonderful scene. Without even trying, I’m know I’ll feel safe and happy in her energy. And I know I have the strength inside me to face my fears and jump out into a scary new place.

RHS

Day 14 – All In Your Head

2011-03-26T20:12:00.001-07:00

It’s 30 Days of Kink!

Day 14: How would you say real life BDSM/kink varies from fantasy BDSM/kink? If you haven’t experienced real life BDSM/kink how do you think it might differ?

This has been the hardest entry to write so far. When I first starting thinking about the question, my first response was this long rant about how fantasy BDSM forgets about the human element. From the practicality of expecting a slave to kneel if they have a knee injury to dealing with different people's opinions of acceptable behavior (whereas in books and your mind, everyone is on the same page), fantasy is perfect. Fantasy doesn’t mess up, or make funny noises, or forget where you left the safety scissors. Fantasy never has “oops” moments.

And that all seemed so…obvious.

So I tried to personalize the question: how does my real life kink vary from my fantasy kink life? The answer right now is that my real life kicks the everloving out of my fantasy one right now. But then I got distracted thinking about choking, CBT, my impending vein tap, and all sorts of wonderful things in my life.

So as much as I wanted to write something awesome and insightful for this day’s question…

…I said, “fuck it” and decided to have tea and a hot bath.

RHS

Day 13 – Like a Moth to a Flame

2011-03-14T16:45:00.000-07:00

It’s 30 Days of Kink!

Day 13: Explain as best you can what the appeal of kink/BDSM is to you? Why are you drawn to what you’re drawn to?

This is really two questions in one, isn’t it? (1) Why do I like kink and (2) why do I have the fetishes I have?

The second question could encompass about a thousand blog entries. More if you include my penchant for getting distracted and rambling on about ice cream.

But the first question – that’s a little easier. One of my first visits to a local BDSM club that has since closed down was extraordinary because it felt like home. There were girls meowing and cuddle puddles on the couches. Everyone seemed warm and welcoming and a little weird.

Like me.

So I instantly felt a draw, which was only reinforced by all the side benefits of meeting people in the scene. Getting to meet new and fun and interesting people and hearing different ways of viewing the world. Meeting people who eventually become more than just friends. Creating, exploring and solidifying my connection not only to L, but to the people who are now so very important in my life.

I get to learn so much about myself – not just what turns me on and what I like/dislike – but how I deal with conflict, new situations, jealousy, multiple relationships. I also get to to explore all these different parts of me: the playful one, the performer, the feral one, the mean one…all the identities I’ve been exploring have emerged as a result of my exploring the kink world.

Plus I love touch and now know some kickass people who love to cuddle.

And that’s why I love kink.

RHS

Day 12 – It’s Not “Foot in Mouth”…

2011-03-12T10:42:00.001-08:00

It’s 30 Days of Kink!

Day 12: Tell us about a humorous BDSM/kink experience you’ve had. If you haven’t had one, talk about aspects of kink/BDSM you find funny.

I laugh a lot in my scenes and have some great moments - including being beaten to Soft Cell's "Tainted Love" - but one of my favorite "oops" moments involved wax, a mouth, and the phrase "that's fucking bullshit."

I was at a femdom party and had just successfully orchestrated a scene with three bottoms being "forced" to top Foxy with me. Her wrists were tied and we were all doing wonderful sensation-y things to her when I dripped some wax into her belly button.

One of the bottoms saw the wax and, mistaking it for ice water, leaned over to suck it out of Foxy's belly button. As the bottom stood back up again, the rest of us watched her face as she realized it was not water on her tongue, but wax.

We all couldn't help laughing and I declared the scene over - there was no way I could continue without giggling intermittently. The memory still makes me smile.

RHS

Day 11 – Push It

2011-02-22T20:53:00.000-08:00

It’s 30 Days of Kink!

Day 11: What are your views on the ethics of kink?

Another serious question…shoot, I was all ready to write about frosting-covered dildos today.

Consent is at the heart of kink for me. That may seem obvious, but consent is closely linked with overstepping boundaries. It’s incredibly important for me to feel that the other person – regardless of the relationship – is ok with me doing whatever I’m doing.

But instead of writing about how important consent is – because it’s my blog and I’ll deviate if I want to – I’m reminded of something I wrote six months ago, just prior to starting the whole blog project.

I began by writing about pushy doms. The ones who tell you you’re really a masochist. The ones who’re convinced you’ll love their new flogger (because you haven’t been flogged by someone who really knows what they’re doing). Who wants to be that person?

At the time of the writing, I was really afraid to push as a top. I was scared of hurting the relationship and the other person. With the help of a lot of my personal cheerleaders (you know who you are), I’ve gotten much stronger and felt more comfortable pushing.

It helps that, as a switch, I understand the desire to be pushed. As a bottom, I want to be pushed. (You know, if I like you.) I want to find that fine line between “just right” and “too much.” I want to feel a little scared, a little unsafe…like I don’t know what you’ll do next.

Even now, though, I get a little scared about consent in play and relationships. Does she want me to push her against the wall and shove her skirt up? Does he want me to push his head down onto the table while I whisper terrible things in his ear? Like a boy on the third date, sometimes I get shy, awkward and uncertain.

But those times are a lot less frequent now. I’ve been rewarded when I push. Even when a scene goes badly or a relationship doesn’t work out, I learn something.

L has been encouraging me to go after what I want. Again, fear of being pushy coupled with social conditioning that girls are pursued, not pursuers means it’s something I’m not used to. But I’m working on it. I’m looking at who I know and admire. I’m looking at fictional characters who embody the kind of pursuer I want to be (hello, Don Draper!).

It’s taken me a little while to get to where I wanted to be as a top, and I know I’ll get to be where I want to be with pursuer.

And I totally didn’t answer the question.

RHS

Day 10 – Between a Rock and a Hard Limit

2011-02-20T13:44:00.000-08:00

It’s 30 Days of Kink!

Day 10: What are your hard limits?

I’ve been thinking about limits a lot lately. Ever since I wrote about rape play, I’ve been thinking about where I fall on the “edge player” spectrum.

I don’t do scat play, watersports, sexualized age play, and probably a bunch of other things I haven’t thought of. And I’ve always considered myself a light player. (I cover people in frosting and get people to lick it off.)

Consent is obviously a very big thing for me. It’s something I struggle with – people who want to be pushed, to be shoved against a wall and taken…I get very scared about overstepping their boundaries.

But then I think about some of the scenes I’ve done and want to do…and maybe I’m an edge player in the sense that I stay on the edges of light and fluffy versus dark and scary.

I want to do a vein tap. I’m not even exactly sure how it works, but there’ll be lots of my blood and messiness and it seems scary and intense and awesome. It helps that the person I want to do it with loves this kind of play.

I love the idea of cutting and physical torture…but other people’s blood is scary and messy. But there’s something about detailed, focused, sensation-based torture that fascinates and scares me.

I’ve gotten a lot more into playing with the mind. Figuring out someone’s kink, fetish or turn-on and then deliberately using it to turn them on is ridiculously hot. I just found out someone I know totally loves when women are casually stroking their strap-ons…you can be sure I’ll be doing more of that.

I want to play more with consensual nonconsent. There was one time L and I were makin’ with the lovins and the idea of pleading and yelling “no, no, no” really did it for me.

I don’t play with abandonment, but I have an emotionally masochistic streak. Being on the receiving end of more degradation and humiliation play gets me hot…then scares me…then gets me hot…the cycle continues.

I want to do more topping with fear and humiliation. I love the power trip of being able to fuck with someone, to scare them, to take them to a new place…and then being there for comfort and cuddles and making sure they feel safe and taken care of.

So, long story short – too late – I’m not sure about a lot of my limits. But I know I don’t want them to limit me.

RHS

Day 9 - Video Killed the Radio Star

2011-02-14T09:55:00.000-08:00

It’s 30 Days of Kink!

Day 9: Post a kink related song or music video you enjoy.

Read the lyrics

At first glance, it’s a song about domestic violence or a relationship gone horribly wrong. But I don’t see that (and neither does Florence). Her take on it is that it’s about “pushing each other to psychological extremes because they are fighting, but they still love each other.”

I hear it and think about an intense kinky relationship filled with passion and consensual (non-consensual) violence. I love the line, “You hit me once – I hit you back.” The song isn’t for victims, it’s for survivors, for people who give as good as they get. I love the bouncy pop style that contrasts with the dark lyrics. I even love the video – even if it’s a little goofy.

Plus, the line “break the lock if it don’t fit” resonates with me – my life and my relationships don’t fit into a neat little box. Sometimes you have to tear apart your preconceived notions to get what you want.

RHS

The “R” Word

2011-02-10T10:06:00.000-08:00

This past weekend L and I hosted the cousin of an Australian friend. Not only was it wonderful to hear the accent again, but she also turned out to be delightful and very kink and poly-friendly.

Now, when I mentioned she was staying with us to a co-worker, he recommended I watch a movie called Wolf Creek. So I looked up the movie on Wikipedia (momentarily forgetting this individual loves horror movies.)

I made it as far into the plot as the hitchhiker drugging the women and sexually tormenting them. I closed the window and tried to remove the thoughts from my mind. It didn’t work very well – obviously I’m still thinking about it – and my mind had started to do that “I think I’m turned on and fascinated but this is wrong!” dance.

I’m very comfortable with my kinks. I have friends who have kinks they’re still a little weirded out by, but most of the time I’m comfortable with my desires. Sometimes I like anal sex. Sometimes I like being called a whore. Sometimes I want to be degraded and humiliated.

But sometimes I think I want to be raped.

That one does weird me out. I’ve always been fascinated by serial killer novels, and I had to stop watching “Law and Order: SVU” because I was flashing back to graphic scenes in the show while playing with L. On a logical level, I know it’s ok – consensual nonconsent can be cathartic and intense and hot and awesome. But on an emotional level, it scares me.

I’m actually not sure if I want to be the victim or the aggressor – it’s the first kink that really scares me enough that I have trouble thinking about it. (Wrapping Foxy in saran wrap and pretending to cut off her “skin,” well that’s just fun.) I’ve read some erotica featuring nonconsent (and yes, it did it for me. A lot.) and have this recurring fantasy of a teacher/student scene where the male teacher goes down on the female student – a sort of cunnilingus rape. I’m not going to lie - the combination of enjoying the sensations but being horrified by the situation gets me twistedly hot.

I tell my thoughts to L last night and asked him if he was uncomfortable with any of his kinks. He tells me no…and that it’s largely because of me being accepting of who he is. (Aww!) I have friends who are into rape play – I know if it’s something I want to explore, I have a strong and supportive community of people who will help me learn and grow and deal with the intense emotions that kink is sure to bring out.

But I’m still scared. And a part of me is even turned on by my own fear.

RHS

Slut

2011-02-08T15:36:00.000-08:00

Rearrange the letters of “slut,” and you get “lust.” That’s pretty much the embodiment of the word for me. Often “slut” is a term of endearment for me, but it’s also a way of looking at the world. It’s a lust for life, for play, for sex, and yes – for ice cream. It’s giving in to the delicious sensory experiences and everything life has to offer.

Last week I’d gone with Foxy and a friend to get some ice cream and was greatly distracted by a gentleman at the neighboring table. To say he was eating an ice cream cone is a big understatement. It was like watching a body worship scene - only with ice cream. There was a woman with him, and I really don’t know how she lasted. If someone looked at me and ate ice cream the way he did, I’d be a brainless puddle of happy. And probably dragging them out to the backseat of my car.

Porn star, kinkster and feminist Madison Young describes the best advice she ever got with oral sex: “pretend that cock/cunt is made of cotton candy and diamonds!” You imagine it’s your favorite things in the world and really throw yourself into the experience.

And that sums up lust for me – giving yourself up to the experience, letting the sensations overtake you, reveling in them. I know I have ice cream lust. I have packaging lust (sexy vibrators in sexy boxes!). I have book lust…idea lust…chocolate lust…I even have lust for lust: the very notion of a purely visceral, sensual emotion that defies reason and logic and drives the brain and body to an extreme level of want…

Yum.

RHS

Day 8 – A Picture’s Worth a Thousand Words

2011-02-01T10:21:00.000-08:00

It’s 30 Days of Kink!

Day 8: Post a kinky image you find erotic.

Maybe it’s my weakness for men in button-down dress shirts. Maybe it’s that women in business skirts are sexy as hell. Either way, I love this picture, even though it’s not really “kinky.”

There’s a flirtatious intensity in the body language, coupled with the objectification by only showing part of their bodies. The picture promises a teasing encounter in the break room, or a soon-to-come quickie in a supply closet, or any number of delightful possibilities.

And the picture came from a corporate website, and that just makes me giggle.

RHS

Day 7 – Toy With Me

2011-01-29T15:19:00.000-08:00

It’s 30 Days of Kink!

Day 7: What’s your favorite toy?

So the obvious answer is “my brain,” but I felt like that was a kind of cheap cop-out answer. So I dug deep in my toybag and thought about my favorite toy.

My black metal claws.

First: the lust factor. Ever since I saw them at a kinky convention about six months ago, the lust began. “I want them.” I thought about how much I love scratching…the sensation on my skin, the marks they leave behind, how sexy-awesome my fingers would look with the claws…

Soon the lust morphed into: “I must have them.” So the night before I taught a class on wax play, I was able to meet with the local vendor to buy the pretty shinies. And I have loved them deeply ever since.

Using the claws on me is like tugging on my collar, touching the inside of my wrist, or holding something out for me to eat – it completely turns me on. It gives me that shivery feeling where I realize that I’m not quite in control of the situation, but boy, do I like what you’re doing.

Also – they’re sterilizable. Since they’re metal, I can use them on multiple people or have them used on me and make sure they’re clean. (Not that I cause a lot of blood with them, but hey – they’re pretty sharp.)

Not to mention I’m a kitty. (Sometimes. Sometimes I’m a puppy, and a little, and a pixy…but that’s another blog entry.) So to have a tail and ears AND claws just puts a big slutty cherry on my ice cream sundae of happiness.

Looking over all my toys – what? I’m a toyslut! – my claws are one of my favorite investments. They’ve never run out of batteries, never let me down, and usually cause similar looks of my own pre-claw envy and lust among my fellow kinksters. I have referred many a person to this vendor and have been thinking about getting a thumb claw in purple.

I mean, if you can’t have stylish toys…what’s the point?

RHS

Day 6 - You Want to Do What?!

2011-01-25T14:32:00.000-08:00

It’s 30 Days of Kink!

Day 6: Describe your weirdest/most interesting sexual fantasy.

Weird is subjective. To some people, my desire to be a human dessert platter is either weird, or not really kinky, or just a mess to deal with.

But those people are just silly. Human dessert tray encompasses a variety of kinky themes: objectification, sensation play, mental bondage (you can’t move or you’ll mess it up!), sensual play (what with the eating and licking and all)…I envision an incredibly sensual scene of being decorated with chocolate, with caramel, with whipped cream. I envision a human body turned into a platter for a variety of cookies, cakes, and other treats. I envision the dessert tray spread out, available to party-goers who can enjoy the food (and some who are allowed to enjoy a little more than the food).

But my post wasn’t supposed to be about nom-nom yumminess. I got distracted by the sugar…and the licking…and the deliciousness…yes, I get distracted easily. My post was supposed to be about orgies.

One of my favorite kink sites is Public Disgrace, a site that usually features one or more submissive females (no males yet…how sad…) who are usually tied up and used sexually by multiple people. There’s one exceptional video featuring Ariel X in a lesbian bar, and she’s going down on one girl while being fingered by another and she’s all tied up and…

...right. Distractions. When I shared my love for this site with someone, their reaction was it seemed pretty intense. And to be property, to be used, to be taken…hell, yes, that’s intense. I’ve been trying to figure out what it is about Public Disgrace I like and if I could ever be a part of that type of scene. (Sexual safety is obviously key.)

I think I like the objectification/property angle. There are times in my submission I want to be used and to please someone passively, just by being available. I like the empowered slut angle: being comfortable enough to say, “I want this – give it to me. I am insatiable.”

When you think about it, my dessert tray scene and Public Disgrace aren’t that different. Objectification, being used, serving other people…one just has more condoms than chocolate. (Although I did see a Public Disgrace scene where a woman got fucked while balancing a tray of food on her midsection. That was spectacular.)

One of my favorite parts about this 30 Days series and writing this blog has been gaining a greater understanding of my kinks. Not just the surface level kinks: “I like canes” – but a deeper level of what motivates me, where I want to go.

And that’s sexy in and of itself.

RHS

Bend Me, Shape Me

2011-01-16T10:36:00.000-08:00

So, that was intense. I didn’t expect to have kinky gender-bending sex last night with L…

I’ve been struggling with being the pursuer. Not just with L, but with Foxy, too. I’m standing under a lot of social conditioning that says, “I’m a girl. So…seduce me!”

L and I have been talking a lot about how I can dominate him. It’s not about calling him a worm, or beating his ass, or shoving his head between my legs. What I think I’m starting to get is that he wants to be pursued, seduced, and then forced. I think he wants me to get him so turned on that sexual submission and pleasing me just comes naturally.

Well, that sounds like a good plan. How we get from A to B has been problematic, until tonight. L asked me what I wanted. I said I wanted a sexual connection. He poked and prodded, and finally got me to say, “Well, I want you to go down and me, and then I want to fuck your ass.”

What happened from there was a whirlwind of gender-bendy role-play awesomeness – with L being incredibly patient to help me through something that doesn’t come naturally to me. The scene evolved into a horny sixteen-year-old (me) making out with his sixteen-year-old girlfriend (him). I was wearing my strap-on, and with his help I shifted into the horny boy. (To his credit, he did a good job as the reluctant female.)

While we made out, I pulled his hair and kept saying things that, while initially felt ridiculous, seemed to work really well. “You’re making me so hard,” and “I want to feel your hand on my cock.” I’d told him before we all started that I kind of wanted him to suck my cock. Now, L isn’t innately turned on by sucking a silicone dildo – it’s the headspace that takes him there. And so we worked at it, and eventually he went down on me – pussy AND cock. (And yes, it was really hot. And there was more. Oh, yes. There was more.)

I’m really excited – this feels like an incredible breakthrough in figuring out not only how L and I can play together with me as the top, but also to help me be more the pursuer in other relationships.

L’s been trying to help me get to this new headspace, and it’s actually been very frustrating. He’d tell me things like, “Take charge of what you want.” I’d throw up my hands in frustration because I didn’t really know what that looked like. I needed some sort of concrete image and action. I’m especially proud of L, who admits that teaching is not his forte, because he’s been working really hard to mentor me into this new headspace.

I look at Aiden Starr, who embodies one of the top styles I want: she’s curvy, sexy, very female, and very much in charge. She’s about pushing the other person’s limits and taking control of her own pleasure. It seems weird that to get there, I may need to think like a 16-year-old boy. But getting from A to B isn’t always what we think it’ll be.

Now I’m going to go make L some chocolate chip cookies.

RHS

Day 5: Popping the Kink Cherry

2011-01-15T13:40:00.000-08:00

It’s 30 Days of Kink!

Day 5: What was your first kinky sexual experience? If you haven’t had one yet, talk about what you hope to have happen.

Putting aside my masturbatory fantasies with ripped clothing, I’d say my first kinky sexual experience involved glow-in-the-dark body paint. I remember looking in the mirror and feeling unearthly and sexy – it was the first time I’d thought of my body as a canvas and I was fascinated by the way the paint looked on my skin. Since then, sushi, candle wax and chocolate has all been used to similar decorative effect. There’s an intensely erotic emotion attached to being used as a canvas – it taps into a sexualized desire to be beautiful, a desire to be exhibited and shown off, and the desire to feel a variety of sensations, be they hot, cold, sharp, or gooey.

My boyfriend at the time, who has since gone on to save the world via the federal government (we played with handcuffs and pantyhose bondage a bit, too) remains a strong supporter of me and loves hearing about the wacky ways I spend my weekend. I hear a lot about people having a bad first time with kink – their partner is too forceful or doesn’t take the time to understand both people’s kinks – and I’m lucky that my first kinky experience (to me) was with him.

RHS

Day 4: This Might’ve Tipped Us Off…

2011-01-11T19:54:00.000-08:00

It’s 30 Days of Kink!

Day 4: Any early experiences that, in retrospect, hint at your kinks?

This one has been the hardest entry so far to write. I’m more of a live-in-the-moment-I’m-gonna-eat-this-ice-cream-damnit kind of girl…I do more introspection, less retrospection.

But I dutifully go down Memory Lane…no memories of tying up the neighborhood kids…or playing doctor…or putting clothespins on my own labia. I maintain that I grew up mostly vanilla…and then a kinky, evil man named L came along and found my inner kinkster.

And yet.

I’m looking at some of my earlier media choices…and they’re chock-full of guilty pleasures. Oh, I didn’t grow up watching sophisticated, elegant depictions of possibly kinky scenarios. I watched junk. Wonderful, delicious, kinky, highly-underrated junk.

I’ve written before on the glory that is “Cruel Intentions.” I mean, really. The part where Sarah Michelle Gellar says, “you can put it anywhere?” Who didn’t love that? Oh, and the part where she’s stroking his cock through his pants, and then leaves right when he’s breathing hard and squirming? Hello, yum!

And what kinkster doesn’t identify with “Buffy the Vampire Slayer”? All the throat-grabbing, voyeurism, breath play, beatings, lesbians, sadism, torture, hot toppy girls...it’s like a cupcake and ice cream had a baby of delicious hot sexytime. The scene where Drusilla slaps Angel and tells him he’s been a very bad daddy, followed by her prolonged torture via holy water made me squirm in a way I really didn’t understand.

And possibly the guiltiest pleasure of all…”Xena: Warrior Princess.” Forget the violence. Forget the obvious lesbian references to Xena and Gabrielle’s relationship. Forget the leather! The highlight of the show for me was Callisto, the angry, violent, psychotic warrioress whose attachment to Xena blurred the lines of love, hate and obsession. The mind games…the one-upmanship…the screaming…the sheer number of kinky undertones in the show make it perfect for a night of “Drink When There’s Kink.”

Actually, make sure there’s a designated driver or a sleepover if you play. You’ll probably have gone through about fifty different fetishes alone by the time you hit episode three.

RHS

Day 3: You can't spell DISCOVERY without V-I-C-E

2011-01-09T14:43:00.000-08:00

It’s 30 Days of Kink!

Day 3: How did you discover you were kinky?

I wrote on this a while ago and maybe it’s not so much how I discovered, but how I realized where some of my kinks come from.

This question’s a tough one, and not just tough like “A train leaves Washington at 9 am and another one leaves New York City at 8 am” tough. A lot of kinksters I know say they always knew.

I didn’t.

I don’t really know when I discovered I was kinky. It’s been more of a gradual process. See, my BFF came out to me about being kinky roughly ten years ago.

“He does WHAT to you?”

That’s how the conversation…and eventual conversion began. While my BFF thought of me as her “vanilla friend,” she told me about the wacky things she’d seen and done. A young man being lit on fire while his girl went down on him stands out the most vividly.

Now, after a few years in the public scene, I’ve seen much more extreme play. (Suspension via barbed wire is probably the most hardcore physically, role-playing being killed probably the most intense emotionally.) But back then, my BFF gently and metaphorically took my hand and explained that kinksters weren’t all serial killers and crazies.

Eventually, I met a kinky man with a fondness for the movie “Secretary” and a copy of Anne Rice’s “The Claiming of Sleeping Beauty.” When we determined that a little light spanking wasn’t going to scare me off, we kept going – exploring kinky desires and thoughts, and eventually entering the public scene.

And we’re quite happy here.

RHS

Making a Mesh of Things

2011-01-06T07:15:00.000-08:00

L and I don’t have the exact same play style. We came into the scene together, and we’ve since found things that we both like and things we don’t. Finding a way to make these styles mesh has been difficult at times.

L is a more traditional, serious BDSM player. He likes rope. He likes canes. He likes tying girls up and making them squirm. As a top, he has a high set of standards, demands to be called “Sir,” and doesn’t take a lot of shit. As a bottom, he wants the same – the classic domme figure most people think about when it comes to kink.

Me? I laugh. I’m more playful. I take joy in your pain (in that it makes me giggle) and wouldn’t mind dressing boys up in pink panties and covering them in glitter. I’m not really into demanding perfection – I’m there to have fun and get a little insight into how people’s brains work. As a bottom, I usually want the same.

Really, L and I aren’t that different – but the way we go about it is. We’re both switches, and we struggle sometimes when playing together. I don’t always want Big Scary Top and he doesn’t like Giggly Girl Top. As switches, it’s hard when neither of us feels like being on top or on bottom.

So what to do when our styles just aren’t meshing that day? Co-top!

As switches, we’ve been practicing with co-topping one or more bottoms at a time. We recently had what I felt was our most successful scene with two lovely switches who took a deep breath and let us do terrible things to them. In going over the scene with L, we talked about what we liked: being able to play together, to talk and interact, to take advantage of the playful adversity between the two bottoms, to take advantage of our own strengths.

For example, I get bored with rope; I don’t have the patience for elaborate rope scenes. I’d just as soon chain you up and start torturing then spend half an hour with the intricacies of bondage. (Not knocking it – it’s just not my forte.) L is great with rope – he’s spent hours and hours understanding how it works, memorizing the ties, and perfecting his craft. But he’s not so much into the sensation play. As a sensation slut, I can think of a thousand things to do just with ice. Does it go in your mouth? Up and down your body? Inside you? Am I going to drip it on you and make you think it’s wax? But L and I are working on how our strengths can complement each other to create a really great scene.

After the scene, someone commented that our bottoms complemented our styles: L had a little bit more of an intense and serious scene, I had a delightfully loud squirmer. (I love squirmers.) I think if we had switched bottoms in the scene, the scene would’ve still been great. I’m working on being able to create a variety of headspaces and types of scenes as a top – so it’s not just about feeling giggly, but making the other person feel scared, sensual, dominated, exhilarated…and ending with a scene that’s hot and intense and a lot of fun for everyone involved.

I think L and I could use some more practice co-topping with each other. Fortunately, I know a few people who have volunteered themselves. Now, to find the duct tape…and rope…and blindfold…and vet wrap...

RHS

Day 2: Like an Old Garden Hose

2011-01-03T13:59:00.000-08:00

It’s 30 Days of Kink!

Day 2: List your kinks.

Ice cream, pretty girls, cocks…wait, those are things I like putting in my mouth. What were my kinks again? Oh, yes…the things that get me off. Not just the things I really enjoy doing, but the things that get me excited, get me wet, and get me to a happy place.

But just listing my kinks struck me as boring. And kind of lazy. I’m using 30 Days of Kink to go deeper with my introspection to understand what makes me “me.” So, being the friendly neighborhood OCD-er that I am, I organized my kinks by category.

Sexual
BDSM is sexual for me. It doesn’t always have to be, but I usually play that way. Besides everyone’s favorite deviant behaviors of anal sex, oral sex, pegging, strap-ons, sex in public, body worship and exhibitionism, I love the erotic torture component to a scene. I don’t mean pain – I mean pleasure…specifically the prolonging of it to the point of intensity. Edging (staying at that part right before you come as long as possible) is something I’ve always done before I knew it had a name. Tease and denial is another way I love to play, but I haven’t found many people in my life who enjoy the game as much as me. It’s less about denial for me than it is about building anticipation. (I want to have my ice cream and eat it too!) Turning someone on…getting them worked up…making them wait for it…then eventually giving in is just plain sextastic. There’s even a delightful game – “tease until you safeword.” The players take turns teasing, turning each other on, until someone has to throw in the towel because they’re about to come, jump the other person, or possibly both. You torment me, I’ll torment you…everybody wins!

Being a Bitch
I tell people I’m not a bitch goddess. I’m not really a sadist – but if you like pain, I’m happy to oblige. Caning, cock and ball torture, being nice and then pulling out a toy that’s going to hurt…these are all my more common physical expressions of the inner bitch, but there’s more to it. I like fucking with people’s heads in a consensual way. I love what I call “exploiting your kryptonite” - it’s knowing they have a thing for fishnets, high heels, or frosting and using that kink to turn the other person on or consensually manipulate them in some way.

Vulnerability
I don’t think I play with a lot of intense emotions in scenes, but vulnerability is one of the ones that’s incredibly cathartis and hot. Whether I’m begging or crawling, being restrained, having my clothes cut off, being forced to physically pleasure someone, having my hair pulled…all those delightful expressions of someone else’s dominance over me sends me pretty high into subspace. I haven’t yet gotten to the point with anyone where I’m ready to put them in intense vulnerable situations. I’m coming close with Foxy Candy, and as we keep playing and ramping up the intensity, I know I’ll find ways to give her those same feelings. But it can be emotionally intense, and not anything to run into too quickly.

Whee!
I like to laugh and have fun when I play. That’s why I call it play. I love kinky games like Tic Tac Ow and Human Chessboard. I love flirting and banter. I love bets, dares and competitions – especially when there’s something sexy going on.

Sensational
I do the “woo-woo sensation stuff,” as Eveybird says. Ice cubes, biting, candle wax, knives, pressure points…all the tools you can use to do more than just beat on someone is something that comes naturally to me, though I’ve recently struggled with explaining how to do it and enjoy it. A lot of people don’t get the point. For some people, it’s a distraction, or it’s boring, or they just want you to beat them. To them, I say: sensation play creates intimate scenes for me – the tools I use are extensions of my own body. I’m a sensation slut – I crave physical touch and sensations – so this kind of play is incredibly gratifying to me and any sensations sluts I’m topping or bottoming to.

RHS

Day 1: Let It Begin!

2011-01-01T17:18:00.000-08:00

It’s 30 Days of Kink! I stole the idea from The Eveybird, who stole it from Insatiable Desire. Yes, I am a follower. What of it?

Day 1: Dom, sub, switch? What parts of BDSM interest you? Give us an interesting in-depth definition of what that means to you. Basically define your kinky self for us.

Boy, they don’t start out with the easy questions, do they? I’m a switch-bottom-submissive-top-toy-maid-mean girl-princess-tease…so what does that mean?

Switch. I like doing things to people. I like things being done to me. I identify as roughly half top, half bottom – it depends on my mood and what’s going on in my life. Stress usually leads to submission, relaxation usually leads to a toppy slut. I especially love switching me; I’ve had scenes where my partner does something that tips me the other way, and sometimes back again. It’s an incredible sensation that makes me feel not only like they really know me, but makes me feel very connected to them. More on switching…

Bottom. I make a personal difference between bottoming and submission, bottoming involving giving up less control for me. I love attention, and I love playing, though I only bottom to a few special people. Most of my kinks I like to receive are the same ways I enjoy topping: sensation play, tease and denial, exhibitionism and playing games (Human chessboard, anyone?). Bottoming gives me a place where I can relax and exist in a different headspace. I can just enjoy the sensations and become a human plaything. I can narrow my focus and concentrate on service I’m giving. More on bottoming…

Submissive. I do feel more submissive when stressed, but giving up control isn’t a surface kink for me - I don’t instantly get excited at the thought. It involves trust and being vulnerable, two areas where I’ve always struggled. L and I have talked about ways to integrate a D/s relationship into our play and lives and have discussed protocol and obedience. There is a freedom in letting go of your choices and giving up control…but it isn’t easy.

Top. Sometimes I can just hit my partner and be a bitch. More frequently, I have an intimate play style: lots of touching, there’s an attraction and sexual element. I identify as a service top. I do have a small sadistic streak; I like being nice and then doing something cruel. I consider myself a light player and enjoy being playful. My favorite ways to top are (unsurprisingly) my favorite ways to bottom: sensation play, tease and denial, caning, playing games…and I love giggly, cuddly aftercare. I’m not into serious protocol or obedience when topping. My biggest goal? Having fun and enjoying myself. More on top identities…

Dominant. I rarely identify as “a dominant.” I do with Little Sister, because I’m the one who makes choices about things like where we eat or what we do when we hang out. Since she identifies as a slave and I like taking care of her, this dynamic works out well for both of us. I once read the difference between a dominant as a top as: “when wrapping rope around someone, the top walks around their partner. The dominant tells their partner to spin around.” I’d say while there are parts of me that are dominant, I don’t identify as “a dominant.”

RHS

Bottoms Up

2010-12-29T17:32:00.000-08:00

I’d given a lot of thought to my different personas when topping. So I thought I should give some thought to my personas when bottoming.

So, this one friend of mine, who shall remain nameless, came up with a really neat way to talk about submission. He does a better job of it than I will, so you can read his words, but the part I really liked was talking about submission as active or passive. In my favorite example he used in a class to explain the difference, he talked about fellatio as the difference between “giving head or having your face fucked.”

Like my top personas, there’s crossover and overlap. Sometimes my toyspace can be sexual…sometimes I’m service-oriented as a toy. But I wanted to come up with some general personas for my own gratification, and so my partners can have a better understanding. Plus, who knows – maybe you read this and one of the personas interests you enough to do your own introspection.

And you’d better have some ice cream while you think.

The Toy
Usually accompanied by bouts of giggling, toyspace is a headspace in which I feel shiny and fun – you know, like a toy. I’m a plaything. The focus of the scene is to be a passive vessel of fun and pleasure, though there’s less of a sexual element. I want to please my top, but I want to have fun, too. I want to feel special, that you’re choosing to play with me because you want to, not because I’m going to obey you. There are usually games – like Human Hangman and Tic Tac Ow. This is one of my more frequent play personas and usually done with Her Majesty.

The Slut
I need to explain this one? I’m horny and eager and there for your pleasure. I want to be used and fucked and teased and played with. The focus of the scene is going to be sweet monkey lovin’. As a bottom in slut space, I’m passive and am more like a sex toy; I do have a slutty top persona – I’m still horny, but I’m going to take pleasure, not just receive it.

The French Maid
All about the service. There are times when I want the world to go away and I can focus on doing things that please my partner, like foot rubs and massages. I prefer to actively serve - suggesting ideas for what L or Her Majesty would like rather than waiting for their command. However, when the brain is fried (and served with a side of pickles), it's easier to just do what I'm told.

The Little
This is a special category. I don’t do sexualized ageplay – unless I’m pretending to be a high-schooler. When I do ageplay, I become an 8-year-old girl who loves fairy wings and coloring books and the zoo. There are elements of little play that come into my topping styles - love of games, bright colors and giggling - but when I'm decorating cookies, watching "The Little Mermaid" or coloring pictures of ponies, I go to my little place.

RHS

Switch It Up

2010-12-20T16:46:00.001-08:00

I identify as a switch – someone who likes giving and receiving, being dominant and submissive, topping and bottoming…just at different times.

(General I make a distinction between dominant and top and submissive and bottom, but for this post I’m using them interchangeably.)

Switches have gotten a bad rap in the past. We’re confused. We can’t find anyone to top/bottom us, so we’ve started bottoming/topping just to get some play. We’re really a slave who hasn’t found the right master. We’re greedy.

Ok, that last one is true.

But it’s not really a fair assessment. I feel like one’s power orientation is just as much a spectrum as gender and sexuality. I might feel like a very feminine, bisexual toy one night – and then feel like a tomboyish, heterosexual top the next.

I’ve met a lot of people that I would consider myself more dominant than, and lots of people I consider myself less dominant than. I don’t see my power orientation as “I am always submissive, no matter who I am with.” I see it more like “I’m definitely more toppy than him, but I’m a little bit more submissive than her.” Different people trigger my orientation – With Her Majesty and L, 9 times out of 10 I get into a submissive headspace. But with Little Sister, I’m dominant – I’m Big Sister who’s in charge and dedicated to making sure she’s ok and happy.

And just like I’m in the mood for different clothes, food and hobbies at different times, so my mood changes to reflect my power orientation. Whether I feel like being in charge or being in control varies and is largely affected by my life.

When I get stressed at work or with my relationships, I tend to become more submissive. I want someone to be in charge so I can relax and not think. This doesn’t mean I avoid my problems; it’s like watching a movie after a hard day.

I tend to feel more dominant when I feel relaxed and in control. Sassy, bratty subs tend to trigger my toppy instincts. I find it very difficult to resist games and challenges. Playing with a new person or with someone who hasn’t tried something yet (candle wax, CBT, paddles) also brings out my inner top.

I’m told by older members of the kink community that the rules used to be more rigid, the labels more permanent. They’ve told me that the newer generation of kinksters are more fluid and accepting of a spectrum of orientation, rather than putting everyone in an “either/or” binary box.

I’m proud of the kinksters who struggled with their non-binary orientation and put themselves out there so future kinksters could feel safer and comfortable with their identity. I’m proud of the people who struggled with sexual and gender orientation – I feel the queer, the trans, the bi (and more!) gals and guys of the community have helped broaden people’s views.

And I’m proud to say: I’m a switch.

RHS

Ripped

2010-12-16T20:51:00.000-08:00

It must be Clothes Week over here. I’d written about cross-dressing earlier in the week and how clothes can change you and shape your identity. Today, I’m thinking about how taking it off can be just as amazing.

And by “taking it off,” I mean ripping it. Cutting it. Tearing it. Yum.

I remember watching a movie when I was much younger and the people were wearing tattered clothing. I don't know why - I think there was a shipwreck or something. But I do remember afterwards taking a pair of black leggings and cutting holes in them, then masturbating furiously.

To this day, clothes with holes are just sexy to me. They can even come like that: assless vinyl skirts, open-tip bras, crotchless panties – hooray! The sensation of wearing clothes but still being exposed is another one of those sexy juxtapositions I so love.

You can even make your own easy-access clothes! My first scene with Shiny Cupcake was one where she cut off my sweater with a knife. (I was the bad schoolgirl who brought a knife to school, but the sexy teacher had a bigger, sharper knife…and then there was awesomeness.) From then on, I knew I wanted more of this kind of play. I now have a drawer full of clothes perfect for cutting, ripping, and generally destroying in scenes. (Lately I’ve been wanting to do a scene where I’m wearing full stockings and the crotch is cut away with a knife.)

The upshot to this kink is Goodwill is cheap, and most girls have stockings with runs that they can't wear out anymore. Plus, as a top, you can get easy access to the good bits.

But there's more. This kink lends itself to creating a certain kind of headspace. My clothes are my protection. By cutting them off, it’s like my partner is removing my defenses, making me exposed and vulnerable. My clothes are my identity; ripping or tearing them is like chipping away at who I am. The violence to the fabric is symbolic violence to my own skin (or possible foreshadowing of violence done to me later.) It can be intense – it’s domination and forced exhibitionism and all sorts of tasty, sexy things wrapped up into one kink.

And for me, it’s on my to-do list…soon.

RHS

Cross-Dressing

2010-12-14T21:25:00.000-08:00

So I’ve been on holiday for a couple of weeks, and have now returned stateside with a delightful new author: Sarah Waters. I stumbled across her and picked up a copy of her first book, Tipping the Velvet - a coming of age story set in England in the 1890s. The story focuses on Nan, a young woman who falls in love with another woman, a male impersonator. The story was engaging and the book well-written – the author weaves in themes of gender, class, sexism, power…not to mention scenes with strap-ons, gender-bending, exhibitionism and elements of D/s…you know, the good stuff.

But what has stuck with me the most was the cross-dressing. (I know. You thought it was going to be all the sexy dildo scenes.) As a woman in Victorian England, Nan has worn skirts her whole life. She describes the first time she put on pants as incredibly sexually arousing. She finds power in dressing as a man, and remarks that she has more impact, she is more memorable, she feels sexier when she is dressed as a man.

I was mesmerized by how Nan describes feeling when she’s dressed as a man. Now, I love costumes and dressing up. I understand the influence what I’m wearing has over my mood and my body. But I honestly haven’t given much thought to cross-dressing as a personal kink. I’m a woman in modern America – I can wear pants if I want to. I can wear boxers – hell, I can sport a jockstrap if I wanted. But it’s never occurred to me. (I have always preferred the forbidden.)

I’ve met several people in the scene who were into cross-dressing and gender fucks. Talking with them is always interesting and I think I understand a little bit about the motivation behind cross-dressing. It seems like power is a big part – wanting to feel more or less powerful, depending on how you equate the clothing. Wanting to feel sexy, or helpless in the case of forced feminization or masculinization. I’m a bit in awe of people who share this kink – it’s a fetish that strikes at the core of identity and plays with one of our most basic concepts.

So I started thinking about cross-dressing. I recently spoke with a cross-dressing friend about wanting to dress someone up like they were my own personal doll. (Now I’m thinking of a scene where I’m in little space and am making my male baby-sitter try on princess clothes with me. Heehee!) But if I were being dressed up entirely like a man…I’m not sure what that would feel like. I love skirts and rarely wear pants; if it’s lacy, feminine, or girly, I’ll likely want it. So no make-up…no jewelry…no panties, no bra…I can’t imagine dressing in a way that removes every trace of my femininity; I think I would feel as though something like something fundamentally part of me was taken away.

A little under a year ago, I missed a gender-bending-themed party at a local kink space and was pretty bummed. I had wanted to wear a strap-on with boxer shorts – or maybe a strap-on with something feminine and frilly. To me, there’s a sexiness of juxtaposing the male and female. Maybe it’s my love of messing with people’s expectations of a binary system. Maybe it’s a way to tap into the strengths of both genders.

Either way, it got me thinking.

RHS

Vulnerable: A Husband's Perspective

2010-11-23T17:19:00.000-08:00

When I posted my entry Vulnerable, L said he might like to post a response to it. I encouraged him to do so, and this is what he wrote:

A few weeks ago, my wife wrote about fantasizing about another guy while she was with me. While a message like that is far from desirable, I view it as almost inevitable in any kind of long term relationship—how often these messages are communicated is another matter. It takes courage and trust to communicate a message that you know people aren’t going to like hearing. As you have read, my reaction to this message was surprisingly cool-headed. In fact, it was so cool-headed that it even surprised me. I’ve spent some time trying to understand why I didn’t react with anger like most people would.

Criticizing my wife and declaring her behavior unacceptable is the natural reaction for most of us. But this kind of reaction brings hate and hostility into the relationship, and it focuses on the problem’s presentation, not the root. Reacting with hostility would create a situation where RHS is encouraged to lie. If she knows she is going to get emotionally punished (not in a fun way) for sharing her thoughts, then she can reason to keep it “her little secret” with no punishment at all. Besides, how much sense does it make to punish a person for their thoughts? The Catholic Church does that and the results speak for themselves.

Instead, I listened to what she had to say and try to understand their reason behind her thoughts and feelings. Doing this built trust in our relationship and enabled us to grow closer. Because she shared, we are now able to look at the root of the problem before it becomes a big problem.

I think everyone would agree that building trust is better than keeping secrets, so why is the expected response defensiveness and anger? And why was my response different? These are questions I’ve been thinking about the past couple of weeks. The answer I have is that the source of anger in this situation comes from insecurity and unrealistic expectations.

I think a lot of men (and women) are insecure about their sexuality. The obvious proof of this is men’s over-obsession with the size of their dicks (and women’s over-obsession with their looks). I’m not an expert in understanding insecurities, but I think sexual security helps to temper the threat of such a message. Being in a polyamorous relationship, security is something I have practice with.

Also, is it realistic is it to go through life never once experiencing desire for someone else once you are in a committed relationship? This question is one of life’s little taboos that no one talks about. I think a lot of people have this expectation because of how TV shows and movies portray love. It’s just too bad that they never move beyond the first 5 minutes of a relationship. Personally, I think never experiencing sexual desire for someone else for the rest of your life once you’re in a committed relationship is unrealistic, regardless of however desirable it may be. Judging by the number of people who cheat or get divorced, it appears my thesis holds some weight.

After all this thinking, I feel I reacted differently because I was secure enough that didn’t feel threatened, and my expectations of a long-term relationship weren’t breached. Thus, I didn’t react with defensiveness or anger which enabled me to grow the relationship. For all the talking from naysayers about how polyamory destroys relationships, I think this is an excellent example of how it can strengthen one.

I Want You to Hurt Me

2010-11-22T07:32:00.000-08:00

“you’ll wanna hear about my new obsession / i’m riding high upon a deep depression”
-Garbage, Only Happy When It Rains

I feel good when I feel bad.

This bothered me for a long time, and I thought there was something wrong with me. Why would someone want to feel hurt or depressed?

And then I came into the scene. I met people who craved physical pain. In talking to these masochists who loved the sting of the whip, the thud of the flogger, the smack of a bare hand, I realized that I’m an emotional masochist.

I’ve spent a lot of time lately thinking about emotional masochism and what it means. I think part of it comes from the eroticizing of wanting. I've talked before about how erotic it can be for me to want and not have, and I recognize that sometimes there's a part of me that's is only happy when I want, when I am not full and satisfied. I relish in the emotional pain and wallow in the negative feelings. I know I fall in love easily – I wonder if it’s because I love the new shiny high, but that part of me also enjoys the crash when a relationship ends.

It sounds sick and twisted to my brain. I think, “That can’t be healthy.”

And then I remember the masochists. While I don’t identify as a pain slut myself, there are a few types of pain that I enjoy and want more of – deep pressure points and caning are two of my favorite types of pain. And I know there are masochists out there who desire that sensation of being hurt and need a good beating every now and then.

Maybe I need a good emotional beating every now and then.

The more I thought about this, the more excited and scared I got. The same nervous/erotic tingle I get when I think of play rape and gangbang scenes came up as I was talking to L about trying to have scenes that are emotionally masochistic.

After L and I had an intense experience where I opened up to him, there was a feeling of increased trust and intimacy. I felt cleansed. I expect many physical masochists feel the same way.

Maybe having these intentionally emotionally rough scenes is a safe way for me to fill that part of me. I’ve noticed that when some of my poly needs are being filled – whether it’s attention, or feeling desired, or being comforted – I’m less likely to seek unhealthy ways of meeting those needs.

This is going to be hard. I have a lot of questions and doubts. It’s not a kink or play style that comes normally to L - would he be able to meet this need for me? What would the scenes even look like? Would he call me names and degrade me, tell me I’m worthless – which plays into one of my biggest negative triggers? Worst of all, could this damage our relationship?

It’s a lot to think about. I want to go slowly and safely. But the most important question I realized I needed to ask was: did I think it could help me in a healthy way?

And I don’t know yet.

RHS

On the Edge

2010-11-20T13:21:00.000-08:00

You know that feeling where you’re a few seconds away from coming? I love that feeling. I want to keep it going as long as I can. It’s like being at the very top of a roller coaster ride a split second before the drop – the intensity of arousal, the high and the anticipation all mix together to create this amazing feeling that I never want to end.

And it’s called “edging.”

I learned this at the cock worship class I went to a few months ago. I’d always loved the sensation, but never knew it had a name. (I always feel better when things have a name.)

So you get close – and then you back off a little. Then you get close to coming again, and then back off. And you keep doing this until you decide to come, or just deny yourself, or – in what’s usually my case – your body says, “Screw you, I’m going to come right now and you can’t stop me!”

I liken it to eating ice cream. (Of course I do.) Sure, when you finish you feel good and satisfied. But I get greater satisfaction from savoring the ice cream, the hunger for the taste, and taking pleasure in the act of enjoyment.

As I’ve said, I’m a big fan of tease and denial. I’ve sometimes called it “wanting but not having,” which is an incredibly erotic experience for me. There’s a delicious imbalance of the hunger, of not feeling full and satisfied, that’s a big turn-on for me. I think edging fits in well with this part of my kink – being so close to satisfaction and release but denying it or prolonging it adds an extra dimension of hotness.

In fact, I think I might have to do some more “field research” on the subject. In the name of science, of course…

RHS

Sexual Manipulation

2010-11-16T17:22:00.001-08:00

So I was watching Cruel Intentions the other night. You remember it - the teen remake of Dangerous Liaisons? The one with Sarah Michelle Gellar as a coke addict and Ryan Phillipe as a charming womanizer?

Yeah, you remember. (And are you done mocking me for watching it?) Ok, so it's not a "Best Picture" contender, but I think it's vastly underrated. The movie's assets aside, what I found most interesting was how watching it ten years ago influenced my kink.

The movie is hot. It just is. I was watching it with Foxy and we were commenting on how much D/s is in the film: power exchange, a bet, physical dominance, sexual manipulation...it makes me melt.

So I've added sexual manipulation as one of my own personal kinks and turn-ons. Now I don't mean just using sex to get what I want - at least not in the strictest sense. (Consent is an important part of BDSM, and non-consensual manipulation is not on the table for me.)

When I say sexual manipulation, I mean using it in a consensual, safe way to create a hot scene that incorporates the power exchange that so many of us get hard/wet for. Sexual manipulation is just using your partner's sexual energy to your own advantage or desire.

Sexual manipulation could be considered similar to tease and denial, which is one of my favorite ways to play. I don't play this game with just anyone, but there's something incredibly satisying about turning someone on and turning them loose. Granted, most of the time I'm more into the teasing and less the denial. But knowing you're turning the other person on and having them at your mercy sounds like a fantastic way to spend an evening.

While sexual manipulation isn't just to get what I want, it's a damn nice bonus. I'm envisioning a scene where I get my partner a little worked up, then lay out the conditions: they give me whatever I want, and if I'm pleased, they'll be rewarded. I'm imagining the look on their face - lips slightly parted, eyes full of want, muscles tense from desire. Watching them struggle with their own physical desire and the desire to please...yum.

I love making people confess their turn-ons and using them in scenes. Whether it's hand worship, fishnets, forced oral, rope, or biting, it's incredibly powerful to hold the keys to turning someone on in your hands. For me, using my partner's own fetishes to get them even more worked up reinforces the power dynamic - "I know you love when I wear vinyl, so I wore it on purpose just to turn you on." With a change of attitude and headspace, the same act can be very submissive, but as a top it's done with a different intent. I've turned you on - now it's my choice what I do with your sexual energy.

I love switching - and switching mid-scene is especially sexy. A lot of people in the scene are into "switch fights," which seem to manifest largely as wrestling matches. Sexual manipulation lends itself nicely to a little competition between switchy partners. I came up with a game in which the partners take turns playing on the other person's turn-ons until someone has to tap out because they just can't take any more teasing. Playing a one-upmanship game with sexual overtones feeds into two of my favorite kinks.

For some people, mixing kink and sex is a hard limit that they're just not into. For others, sexual manipulation forms the core of almost all of their scenes. For me, it hits all sorts of happy buttons in my head - game-playing, control, desire, and power - that take the scene from "hot" to "absolutely boiling."

Now, if you don't mind - I'm going to rewatch a few select scenes from the movie. Now where did I put the Hitachi?

RHS

Vulnerable

2010-11-14T16:37:00.000-08:00

I have many fantasies where I’m sexually vulnerable and helpless. I dream of being tied up, having my clothes cut off, and being sexually violated by any number of people, unable to escape, and must submit to being used…

…I’m sorry, I got distracted. Where was I? Oh, right: emotional vulnerability. That’s not nearly as sexy. But yesterday morning marked a turning point for me. I was in bed cuddling with L when I told him I wanted his cock in my mouth. Ever happy to oblige, L rolled over and I squirmed down his body to get to work.

But I wasn’t thinking about L’s cock. I was thinking about someone else’s: a play partner who has since moved away – someone who had an almost unfailing record for turning me on. I’ve spent the past few months trying not to think about him, but this morning the thoughts crept into my head.

As a polyamorous, self-admitted slut with what amounts to a husband and three girlfriends, other people clearly aren’t a problem for me. What bothered me was that thinking about someone else with L’s cock in my mouth felt like cheating.

And after I came, when L flipped me onto my stomach to fuck me, I was flooded with emotions – guilt and shame chief among them. What kind of partner was I to fantasize about someone else when I have a perfectly wonderful, sexy, loving, and giving husband right in front of me?

I understand fantasy, that it’s ok to think about other people, that different people meet different needs. But this particular person and set of circumstances set me off, and as L slid in and out of me, I wanted him to hurt me. I wanted him to punish me, to degrade me. I asked him to call me a whore, a word that’s always been on the “no-no” list for all my partners.

L, not knowing what was going on in my head but trying to give me what I needed, told me I was his whore.

“And do you know how I know you’re my whore?” he asked, and without waiting for an answer, flipped me onto my back, shifted his body and came on my breasts. He collapsed on top of me and held me tight. I’d already been crying; now the tears flowed even faster.

He just held me for a while, giving me time to let it out. After a while, he told me to start talking. I could talk about anything I wanted, but he knew something was wrong, and wanted to get me to a place where I could talk about it.

I told him I was scared that being completely open and honest right now would hurt our relationship and could cause a fight. He just told me he loved me, and that he was listening.

So I told him. I told him I’d been thinking about someone else, and I told him who.

L told me that while he doesn’t condone the behavior, he understands it. He said that desire’s a funny thing, and he didn’t feel threatened. He fully expects me to be attracted to other guys, just like he’s attracted to other girls. Repressing it isn’t healthy. He said if it was possible, he’d probably tell me get a dose of reality by fucking this other guy because fantasy is always better than reality.

I agreed, and told him I didn’t want to rely on fantasy. I didn’t want to be reminded of something I didn’t and couldn’t have, and I didn’t want to start continually comparing the two people in my mind. L would always come up short, because the fantasy is always perfect.

L squeezed me tighter and told me I was being too hard on myself, and told me again that he loved me.

In that moment, everything changed.

I wasn’t worried about the fantasy and all the issues that brought up for me. In that moment, I realized I had been completely honest with my partner – in spite of being scared – and everything turned out okay.

I still have to work on this whole fantasy issue. But in the meantime, even though it was hard and scary, I had reached a deeper level of intimacy with my husband, my primary partner, my hero. I felt closer to him, full of trust and security that I can open myself up, be vulnerable…

…and he would still love me.

RHS

Security Blanket, Please

2010-11-08T22:02:00.000-08:00

I wanted to write sexy porn erotica today - I really did. But something was weighing on my mind: a few weeks ago, one of my partners talked to me about developing a new relationship/playship with someone else in the scene.

My secondary relationships aren’t closed – they’re free to do whatever with whomever. I do ask that they let me know and that they’re safe. I want my partners to have happy, fulfilling relationships with other people and, unless it’s with someone I might take issue with, most people are fair game.

I love polyamory. I love loving multiple people and getting lots of needs met. I love feeling satisfied and full and loved and amazing. I don’t always love that polyamory can force me to face my own insecurities. And when my partner said she was thinking about adding someone else, it hit the insecurity button. So I sat down and really thought about what bothered me – what was I worried about?

I was worried that this new person would be similar to me in play style and personality – and then I’m not special or worth making time for. I was worried that even worse, that she’d be better than me: smarter, sexier, more fun, more energetic. I was worried that this new person would get more time and that my partner would want to be with this new person more than me.

And after running around the house for a blanket to cuddle after naming all my fears, I thought about what I needed to feel secure in my relationships. I was mostly getting what I needed: touch, communication, time. And I realized my biggest fear was of being replaced by someone like me, but better. What do you do when one of your partners has another partner who could “steal” your role in their life?

This is a tough one. While my partners are all very different, they do fill similar or overlapping roles. I have two tops, L and Her Majesty, whose different play styles let me be dominated in different ways. I have two bottoms, Foxy and My Toy, whose different play styles that lets me explore different ways of topping.

All of my partners contribute to my emotional well-being, but in different ways. For example, all my partners make me feel strong in different ways. My Toy trusts me to push her limits. Foxy is able to be vulnerable with me. Her Majesty has seen me at my weakest and still tells me I’m ten feet tall. And L’s unflagging confidence that I can be who I want to be – all these make me feel strong. My partners all turn me on, make me feel valued, and help me in different ways, but with the same result.

So I don’t have to worry that someone can take my place – because nobody can give my partners what I give them the way I give it to them. Someone else might make L feel smart, make Foxy feel courage, make Her Majesty feel magical, make My Toy feel sexy…

…but never exactly the way I do.

RHS

Foxerotica

2010-11-04T07:15:00.002-07:00

I had a pretty exhausting Friday night. However, I had planned at least one scene with Foxy on Saturday where we introduced sensation play to another little fox. It turned out this was the little fox's first real scene.

I’ve been a lot of people's kink firsts. I like to joke that if I lived in the Wild West, I'd be the schoolteacher or the whore they send virgins to. I like introducing people to new experiences, but it can be hard. Like a one-night stand, you don't know the person's responses, pain tolerance levels, experience, and general energy. I think we all had a good time, though I wished I'd had more energy.

You see, I'd asked Foxy to bring a dildo, anal toy and Hitachi. Unfortunately, by the time we'd finished the sensation play scene, I was really too tired to play more. (Foxy did get a backrub, but was understandably disappointed by the lack of sexytime.)

So I had a brilliant idea. Foxy loves erotic writing. Possibly as much as she loves hands, and being spoken about in the third person. And I love pressing her buttons.

And Foxy? You can't touch yourself while reading this. Nope. You absolutely may not. I'm not kidding. Hands where I can see them.

I think I'll start with you tied face-up with a blindfold on one of the bondage tables. You're naked. You're spread-eagle. And it's hot. You'll have an anal plug inside of you, its weight filling you up, stretching sensitive muscles.

I start by running my hands and nails all over your body. You shiver at first - my hands are a bit cold - but soon they warm up as I explore your body. Tonight I want you to feel as sexy and desirable as you are. I will be mostly nice - and maybe a little mean. One day, maybe I'll be able to slap you in the face before dragging you to your knees by your hair and forcing your mouth onto the silicone dildo - but not tonight.

So I start with your hands. I love that you have a hand fetish. I love that I can gently stroke your fingers in public and get you worked up without anyone knowing. And I stroke them now, lightly touching and stroking. I add in my mouth, sucking on the ends of your fingers and working my tongue in between, tickling the sensitive spots. I keep going until I can see you biting your lip, your hips moving against the table.

I whisper to you, "You know, I bet we could do just a handplay scene." I chuckle softly when the inevitable soft moan escapes your lips.

I look over your body, spread out before me, waiting to be devoured, played with, used. I move down to your breasts. With them, I am less gentle. With your breasts, I am rougher. There is licking and sucking, but there is also teeth and nails. You are straining against the ropes, enjoying the sensations but wanting more.

I move down your body, lavishing attention on your skin with my mouth and hands. I jump onto the table and push my body against yours so you can feel the dildo and harness I'm wearing. I thump the dildo against your thigh, prompting a laugh and a shake of your head. I move my body between your thighs and rub the head of the cock between your lips. I lean forward onto my hands and nip you on the collarbone.

"Ask for it," I order.

'Please?" you say, sounding uncertain.

I shake my head, make tsk-tsk noises. "That's not how we ask for things we want. Don't you want me to fuck you?"

You nod your head and whimper. "Yes! Please. Please, miss. Please fuck me."

"Well, since you asked so politely..." I thrust into you, and I love the sound you make as you're filled. Your hips move with mine, slowly at first, then more and more urgent. I rake my claws across your chest, bite your nipple, push you on to climax.

I debate grabbing the Hitachi, but decide I have a more evil plan to use it in a tease and denial scene for another night. I keep fucking you, enjoying your squirming and sexy sounds. And it is when I lick your ear and whisper that tons of people are watching that you let out a drawn-out moan, tense up, and come.

You fall back against the table and I stroke your hair once before sliding out. I untie your arms and legs, then pull the condom off the dildo and wriggle out of the harness. I curl up next to you, stroking your body and filling you with warm, loving energy. You snuggle up against me and I relax with your arms around me.

RHS

A Return to Kink

2010-11-02T21:33:00.000-07:00

I was excited. I was scared. I was about to play publicly for the first time in a month - since the weekend of my catharsis scene and Foxy's abduction scene. There had been a lot of changes in my life - some people leaving, some people becoming a bigger part of my life. L and I tried switching more, Foxy and I added D/s into our relationship.

Seems like the perfect time for an intense foursome orgy scene, right?

I wanted sexy funtime with My Toy. My Toy, who is not an exhibitionist, is more comfortable with very sexual scenes in more private environments - like the house party scheduled for Friday the 29th. She and I had played with both L and Her Majesty in separate three-person scenes, so it seemed natural to invite them both into my scene to create even more hotness.

And it was my scene, which was strange at first. L and Her Majesty are the only people I bottom to on a regular basis. They both have pretty different topping styles. They're both very dominant. I'd been in contact with them both regarding toys, limits, the feeling I wanted for the scene, etc. But I had no idea how the scene would go.

As it turns out, the scene was hot and amazing. After spending a few hours flitting around in my fairy costume, the four of us converged on a large bondage table for wax, rope, strapons, and sexy kinky fun. Some of my favorite parts:

-giving L head while fucking My Toy
-thrusting into My Toy when Her Majesty pulled the hair clips off My Toy's body
-the designs Her Majest made on my skin with wax under the blacklight
-being fingered by L while having my strapon sucked

There were probably a bunch more, but as many subs/bottoms/slaves/switches know - it's hard to remember a whole sexy awesome scene in its entirety!

While there was some tension, the scene embodied one of my favorite ways to play - as a middle. Sometime I was doing things to My Toy, sometimes L and Her Majesty were doing things to me. Some people see a binary view of kink: you're the master, or you're the slave. But I love the fluidity of my identity. I can be in charge and I can submit - sometimes even within the same scene.

I learned a lot that night. Energy and dynamics of the people involved in the scene is very important. A clear understanding of ways to play and be involved is important so nobody feels left out. I need aftercare as a top/middle.

And - this is very important - you can never have too much lube.

Stay tuned for the next post on Saturday night's Halloween fun!

RHS

Your Eyes On Me

2010-10-31T11:18:00.000-07:00

In the dungeon, I am not naked - I’m just not wearing any clothes. I am comfortable – picking up toys after a scene, chatting with friends, running around giggling. But I am not naked.

With you, I am naked. With your eyes on me, I am acutely aware I am on display. I am exposed – every part of me available for your eyes to explore and enjoy.

I am so often aroused by teasing clothes - short skirts that my ass peeks out from under, sheer fabric, clothes with strategic holes cut out of them...but with your eyes on me, nothing is more erotic than my own naked skin.

I can feel myself getting wet, my body becoming more sensitive. I can feel my nipples tighten, the piercings making them achingly sensitive. I can feel your eyes traveling down my body, visually nibbling all the places you enjoy – my legs, my breasts, my hips, my ass. You do love my ass.

I want to flirt with you, tease you, turn the tables. But I’m frozen by your stare, unable to think for the rising electric arousal dancing on my skin. I want you to walk closer, to touch me, to feel your breath, your mouth on my body. But you just stare, your eyes heating up my body. My breathing comes faster - I can feel a soft whimper force its way from my mouth.

I swallow hard, biting back the words that bubble up from deep inside - words that would beg you to touch me, stroke me, tease me. Words that would beg you to let me touch you, lick you, please you. My tongue on your ear, my nails light on your inner thigh, your finger in my mouth.

With your eyes on me, I am naked, aching for your touch.

RHS

Photo by Bad Kitty Photography. To inquire, e-mail badkitty222@gmail.com.

Red Light, Green Light

2010-10-29T07:22:00.000-07:00

I love games. I’ve always had a playful nature, and I can thank Her Majesty for showing me how games can be integrated into BDSM (Human Hangman, anyone?) And now I have a new favorite game. It's called "Red Light, Green Light" and I like to play it with My Toy.

My Toy, who calls me Princess, is fearless and strong and lets me push away the stresses of the day by making her my toy. I get to do wicked filthy things to her because I want to. I get to help her transform from a woman with a job, stress, problems, groceries, and all the minutiae of daily life...into a toy meant for fun and pleasure.

We are still early in our relationship, which means I have to send a lot ridiculously hot texts at work to see how she responds. (My life is so very tough.) I try to make her squirm and blush and I come up with ideas to see what she likes (green) and what she doesn't (red).

Here are some of my favorite things I've suggested...

"Open your mouth, please. Hold the flogger handle between your teeth. If you can hold onto it while I rip the duct tape off your breasts, you can have a good girl spanking."

"I'm going to take your vibrator and use it on you for five minutes. If you can be a brave girl and push your limits for me, then you'll get some fireplay after."

"One day we're going to play a guessing game. I put pieces of duct tape all over you, then number them randomly. You have to pick a number between 1 and 20, and then riiiip!"

"Spread your legs wider - I want to see you get wet while I pour hot wax all over your thighs."

"Lay face down on the table, little slut toy. I'm going to attach little metal hair clip zippers down your legs while you play with your pussy. Then I'm going to yank them off right as you come."

Games are fun. Now I need to find someone to send me ridiculously hot texts at work...

RHS

e[lust] #22

2010-10-27T21:15:00.000-07:00

Photo courtesy of Evocative Abyss

Welcome to e[lust] - Your source for sexual intelligence and inspirations of lust from the smartest & sexiest bloggers! Whether you’re looking for hot steamy smut, thought-provoking opinions or expert information, you’re going to find it here. Want to be included in e[lust] #22? Start with the rules, check out the schedule and subscribe to the RSS feed for updates!

Important e[lust] update: e[lust] will be going on hiatus for the holidays. The editions for November and December would both occur around the holidays and I know I'll be short on both submissions and judges as well as personal time. e[lust] #22 will return in January, with ample advance warning, so please make sure you're subscribed for updates!

~ Featured Post (Lilly’s Pick) ~

D/s Without the D/s? - This is one of those situations in a real time D/s relationship where much of the “fun” aspects of the D/s needs to be stuffed in the closet for a bit. And for us, it’s not a great time to be either a masochist or a sadist. We can deal with that.

~ e[lust] Editress ~

Yes, Jelly Sex Toys Can be Dangerous - Even if a jelly rubber toy says “phthalate-free”, it still can contain toxic chemicals that can cause skin reactions in some people. These toys are still non-porous and can harbor dirt and bacteria because they cannot be sanitized.

~ This Week’s Top Three Posts ~

Unfortunately, this edition has no Top Three picks as I didn't have enough volunteer judges. If you'd like to volunteer to help, visit this page to find out more info and ensure that the Top Three picks continue.

See also: Pleasurists #101 and #100 for all your sex toy review needs.

All blogs that have a submission in this edition must re-post this digest from tip-to-toe on their blogs within 7 days. Re-posting the photo is optional and the use of the “read more…” tag is allowable after this point. Thank you, and enjoy!

Sex News, Interviews, Politics & Humor

All Painted Up...

A Modest Proposal: Should Ginger & Cooper Fuck?

Happy Sexual Freedom Day

How Do You Explain

Life in spanking after 30: part 2

Erotic Writing

blindfold

Fantasy: Movie Night

Feeling Helpless

Gabrielle, Guest Star

Happy Anniversary...

History Lesson

I Still Don't Know How You Taste

Monday Morning 2am

Metallic Seduction

Need

New Erotic Story For The Holidays - Tinsel Temptation

Putting the car into park

The Ordeal (Part Four)

The Sweetest Violation

The Young Mom

The Moment

The Soccer Mom

Timeless in a Window's Light

Kink & Fetish

A space to hate and rage and be angry (photo story)

Beyond the Bedroom

Does liking Helmut Newton equal a fetish?

Happy Halloween: Light Me Up

I am all pins and needles

Kink and Fibromyalgia

Ownership and Monogamy

Punishing the servants

Pi

Switching It Up

The Cage

The Sacred Swinger Holiday: Halloween!

the most amazing night with HIM

The Pedicure

The Right Question

Wax on, wax off!

Thoughts & Advice on Sex & Relationships

All Roads Lead to Acceptance... I hope!

Crisis Averted

Dear boyfriend, I love you. And your cock.

Having Great Goddamned Expectations

If You Google it, I will Answer #9

I Don't Know If I've Ever Been Really Loved By a Hand That's Touched Me

How to Massage Man’s G-spot

My Coming Out Story

National Coming Out Day

Recovering From Anorexia

Role Reversal

Sadie's Condom PSA

Talk To Me

2010-10-26T20:16:00.000-07:00

you said you’d read me like a book, but the pages are all torn and frayed

-“I’m Not Okay (I Promise),” My Chemical Romance

I’ve somewhat recently had an experience where I thought someone that I liked felt the same way. Except I misread the signals, and I was wrong. He didn’t have feelings for me.

The experience left me feeling more than a little stupid and confused. I consider myself good at reading people, and I’ve been feeling doubtful about my ability to figure people out.

And I started to think about the ways we show someone we like them. There’s an interesting book called “The Five Love Languages,” which says that we all have ways of showing how we love, and we all have ways that we want to be shown we are loved. The languages are Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch.

Words of Affirmation: words of appreciation or encouragement

Quality Time: time spent together – undivided attention with quality activities and/or conversation

Receiving Gifts: a very visible symbol of love that can be bought, found or made

Acts of Service: doing something for the other person, especially something the other person wants or needs

Physical Touch: can take minimal time and effort, like a hug, or more time and effort, like a full-body massage

Reading the book was eye-opening, because I don’t share the same languages as several of my partners. My primary language is want to be told “I love you in” is Touch, followed very closely by Words of Affirmation. Foxy’s is the same. L’s primary language is Acts of Service. Her Majesty declared her royal right to choose all of them, and I’m not yet sure what language My Toy speaks.

I found this concept interesting because these languages could all be considered acts of courtship – when you’re first trying to show you like someone - you spend time with them, you give gifts, you touch them, etc. I also found this so important because if I’m not hearing “I love you” in my love language, it leaves me feeling unfulfilled and uncertain - as my partners likely feel, as well.

But most of all, knowing how my partners want to hear how I feel - be it a hug or flowers - means I can better tell them: "Hey. I love you."

RHS

I Need You to Need Me

2010-10-25T20:06:00.000-07:00

I’ve been talking with several members of my chosen family about needs lately. What do they need to feel safe and secure? I’ve made a commitment to care for my partners’ emotional, mental, and physical well-being. (Likewise, they’re committed to caring for mine.) The emotional part is especially important - we all get insecure in our relationships and have needs to be met in order to feel secure.

I think of it like a bank account. Sometimes the account is full because I’m getting what I need. Sometimes it starts to run low – as it will, because people get busy and distracted and stressed. Periodic deposits into the account are important in order to maintain the strength of any relationship.

And this is how it happens…

Touch. I need to be touched on a regular basis by the people I care about. Cuddles, hair pets, strokes, hugs, kisses…touch is my primary love language, which means that’s how I show I love you, and how I like people to show they love me. It makes me feel safe, secure, and connected to you.

Communication. I need to talk. I need you to tell me how you’re doing and what you need and want from me. I need to be reminded of what you like about me and how I make your life better. I need little texts from you. I need you to be clear with your expectations of me and our relationship. I need honesty.

Effort. I’m working on making sure my partners get enough time, especially one-on-one time. So I need you to make time for me. I need you to reach out. I need you to let me help you, to let me take care of you. I need to spend time with you outside of scene space. I need to do non-kink things with you. I need you to respect when it’s another partner’s time.

RHS

What is Polyamory?

2010-10-24T21:01:00.000-07:00

I identify as polyamorous. So what does that mean to me?

Well, if I’m going to be a smartass – and I am – it means I love many people. (Which is true, but there's more to it than that.) It means I have multiple ongoing, committed relationships that incorporate an emotional or sexual component (sometimes both).

To me, it's the ability to commit to meet the needs of more than one person. And for those of us who have varied and different needs, polyamory provides a way to get what we need.

You might have a dominant that you play with, but don't want to date. You might have a boyfriend who isn't into kink. You might have a sub that you see only once a month. For those of us who like to switch, for those of us who like boys and girls, for those of us who like different types of play...poly is a way to be satisfied.

Some of my needs are physical. I love sex. I like boys, but I also like girls. I like rough, unrelenting, nails-down-the-back, fuck-me-harder sex. I also like slow, lazy, hours-of-foreplay, teasing sex.

Some of my needs are BDSM-related. I identify as a switch – that means that while I like doing terrible/wonderful things to people, I also like terrible/wonderful things done to me. I have different play styles. Like sex, sometimes I want to give or get a sensual scene: hot wax poured over my body and a sharp knife to slide it off my skin. Sometimes I want to hurt or be hurt: the lash of the flogger, the sting of the paddle, the straining against the ropes.

I have different emotional needs. At different times in my day, my week, my life, I need a caretaker, someone to take care of, someone to push me, someone to push, someone to inspire me, someone to be inspired.

Polyamory is work. You have to balance time and energy. You have to make sure you're meeting your partners' needs, too. And if you have a primary - your number one partner - you have to make double sure they feel secure with their place in your life. You're going to meet new people, new shiny, exciting people who make you feel sexy and special and interesting. This feels great - but it's easy to get caught up in the new shininess that you neglect your other partners. I've done it before - I'm sure I'll do it again.

But when everything goes right, it can be amazing. Imagine feeling safe and secure with all the people in your life. Imagine feeling empowered and confident. Imagine getting enough sex, or cuddles, or kinky playtime. Imagine feeling "full."

It feels yummy.

RHS

I Heart Games

2010-10-22T17:51:00.000-07:00

I was lucky enough to be a demo bottom for a sex educator and blogger Shanna Katz when I went to Folsom Street Fair this September. Her demo was called “The Kinky Games We Play” and featured a few ways you could incorporate fun and laughter into scenes. Her overall message was one I heartily endorse: it’s ok to laugh in the dungeon. Some of my favorite scenes have incorporated game-playing. So I wanted to put together a list of some of my favorite games.

Human Piñata
If you don’t feel like going to all the trouble of suspending your bottom and then having a group take a few whacks, make your night a little sweeter with this variation. Pick up a few bags of assorted candy: small marshmallows, lifesavers, and gummies will work best. (Make sure your bottom isn’t too sweaty or lotioned.) Lick and stick them candy onto the bottom’s body, then use a small cane to flick or beat the candy off. You can always punish the bottom if some of the candy falls off before you’re ready!

Top Says
Order the subs to do your bidding and punish the ones who don’t! A variant of Simon Says, the game is best played with multiple bottoms and a designated Spanker. The top will call out instructions that can range from vanilla (“Top Says: touch your toes!”) to kinky (“Top Says: rub your clit!”). The Spanker will punish any bottoms who follow instructions incorrectly.

Top Says: Twister Variant
Feel like playing Top Says but don’t think well on your feet? This versions works well with 2+ bottoms in pairs. The colors of Twister correspond to actions of your choosing (red = lick, green = flog, etc.) and the body parts can be nipples, thighs, asses…what were we talking about? Spin the wheel, roll the dice, or pull an action out of hats and call out such exciting orders as “Right nipple – lick!” On second thought, this sounds like a terrible way to spend an evening.

Clothespin Twister
Twister is such a versatile game…find four colors of clothespins – bonus points if you get the original red, yellow, green and blue. Then choose four (or more! It’s your game.) body parts on which to stick said clothespins. If all goes well, bystanders should hear, “Left asscheek – blue!” followed by a chorus of screaming, giggling and other happy noises.

Strips
Blindfold the bottom. Feel free to whisper any number of threats, real or imagined, into their ears. Cut off a number of duct tape strips – let’s say 20. Number them sequentially, and then stick them into the bottom in random order. Make the bottom call out a number between 1 and 20 and you rip that numbered piece off. Bonus points for starting to grab a 9, then announcing, “Oh, that’s not a six.” Extra bonus points for sticking a few unnumbered pieces – just to mess with them in case they’re counting.

Hide and Go ____
This works well in a big house or dungeon with lots of hiding spaces. It’s Hide and Go Seek with any variant you can think of: Hide and Go Spank, Kiss, Grope, Cane, Pinch…start thinking of fun verbs to fill in the blank during that next boring staff meeting.

Tic Tac Ow
Find something sharp! Look in your bag for your trusty knife, Wartenberg wheel, nails, claws, bamboo skewers, or needles to create a tic-tac-toe board on your favorite body part. (You may have to spank the board to get the marks to show up well!) Recruit a partner, choose X’s or O’s and have fun!

Human Chessboard
Use markers, paint or liquid latex to design a chessboard and play a nice, relaxing game. The bottom gets punished if they move and disrupt the pieces. You may choose to integrate hot wax, ice, or knifeplay in order to encourage movement. Bonus points for adapting it to multiple games, including but not limited to Checkers, Scrabble, Chutes and Ladders, and Mystery Date.

Party Favor
Put your bottom in your favorite position or on your favorite cross. Line up some toys and some tops and have at him!

Hangman
“Hang” two or more bottoms from a tie point. You could suspend or partially suspend them. Feel free to use an optional third bottom as a writing surface. Grab some markers or liquid latex and start thinking of tough words. Bonus points for using “Xerox,” “sesquipedalian,” or “pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis.” If a bottom guesses the wrong letter, you can spank them – or they can volunteer someone else to be spanked.

Truth or Paddle
Want to know those dirty, delicious secrets inside your bottom’s brain? Grab a few choice toys and come up with some of those burning questions. Plus – the more you want to know the question, the worse you can make the alternative.

Pin the Tail on the Bottom
Whether your kink is ponies, puppies or kitties, everyone loves getting some tail. All you need is a blindfold, something to attach to your bottom, and a line full of eager participants. Bonus points for coming up with unusual “tails” – signs that say “spank me,” dildos, clothespin zippers…you can even just hand out strips of duct tape to decorate your bottom with.

If you’ve made it this far, you’re either really into games, or really into me, or have a lot of time on your hands. Either way, well done.

Got a game idea of your own? Post a comment below…

RHS

Peeling Off the Label

2010-10-21T19:06:00.000-07:00

break the lock if it don’t fit…

-"Kiss With a Fist," Florence + the Machine

I love labels. They’re nice, easy ways to explain a lot of things: my identity (switch), my relationship status (married), someone’s relationship to me (little sister), and what’s about to go in my mouth (dark chocolate ice cream).

But when I look in the drawer marked Foxy, I find too many labels: Friend. Play partner. Sister. Girlfriend. Comforter. Emerging sexual partner. Submissive. Inspiration. Little. Strength-giver.

None of them fit exactly the way I want them to.

Ours is one of the more complicated relationships I’ve had. Part of it is Foxy herself – she admits that she is complicated, possessing as many phases and personas as the moon. At times, she is a hyper pixy girl, she is an elegant geisha, she is a horny teenage boi. What kind of key can fit all those locks?

My relationships with others have more simple dynamics – though they are certainly just as important to me. The dynamic between Big Sister/Little Sister, Princess/Toy, Toy/Her Majesty – these are all relatively stable – it’s clear who’s in charge.

But my dynamic with Foxy is the definition of “switch.” How else to describe someone who will go to the zoo with me, but that I also do dirty filthy wonderful things to? How do I describe someone who kicks my ass when you need it, but I can also tell to bring me cookies and juice at a party?

We take turns being the strong one, giving advice and comfort. We take turns needing and giving. Like the moon and sun, like peanut butter and jelly, we exist in a harmony, a symbiosis. Foxy lets me be all sorts of different people – not only that, but actively encourages me to explore different parts of myself the way I don’t with other people. Who is the Mean Girl? Who is the boi version of The Redheaded Slut? She pushes me to ask and answer those questions.

So I shut the drawer, leaving the labels inside.

RHS

Play Nice With Your Toys

2010-10-20T22:04:00.000-07:00

Her Majesty said that the next time we played, she was going to use my toy on me.

I didn’t think she meant My Toy.

Her Majesty stands in front of me as we begin the scene. She orders me to strip down to panties and stockings. I obey. She tells me to stand in front of the cross, facing away from it. She snaps the carabiners into place around my wrist cuffs and attaches them to the rings in the cross. I pull at the restraints, pleased at the sound of metal scraping against metal.

“I have a little surprise for you, my dear,” she says, petting my hair. I smile – Her Majesty’s surprises are always the best. She motions to My Toy, who has been sitting nearby.

“I said I was going to use your Toy on you..and use her I shall.” Her Majesty grabs a handful of Toy’s hair and yanks her head back. Her Majesty orders Toy to remove my panties and stockings – but she can only use her mouth and the metal claws in my toybag.

I was already wet, and hearing this makes me even wetter. I love being teased. Going straight for the nipple or my clit is a turn-off - what gets me going is teasing my hot spots – the curve of my hip, my inner thigh, my wrists – all places a warm, willing mouth can make me very happy.

Toy slides the metal claws onto her fingers and kneels in front of me. She runs the sharp toys up and down my legs. I can feel the nylon snag on the claws; she’ll be able to rip the stockings into shreds easily. She plays with the fabric, hooking a claw into a run and sliding it down to rip the material and tease the skin beneath. Sharp objects and shredded clothes…they feature prominently in some of my hottest memories and longed-for fantasies.

I can feel her breath against my thighs through the holes in the hose. I squirm against the sensation, but am jolted by the warm wetness of her tongue on my hip. I breathe in sharply – half moan, half groan. My Toy slides her tongue under the lace of my panties and grips it in her teeth. She yanks and the material slides down slowly. This will not happen quickly – a fact I relish and dread. With every bite, lick and kiss, I moan louder and writhe.

She alternates bites, licks and kisses as she works the thong down – over my hips and down to my knees. The panties fall to the floor, and Toy looks up at Her Majesty as if to ask how she did. Her Majesty praises My Toy for a job well done.

Her Majesty scratches her nails over my breasts, saying: “Look at you - you’re all turned on. What should we do about that, hmm?” I hear the snap of the glove and soon feel Her Majesty’s finger sliding between the folds of my pussy.

“You are incredibly wet,” she says. “I almost think we should put down a tarp so you don’t drip on everything.”

I blush, turned on and embarrassed at the same time. I love being told I’m wet, or turned on – and there’s a part of me that’s turned on my being humiliated for my slutty eagerness.

Together, Her Majesty and My Toy secure my wrists to the cross – I am naked but for shreds of nylon, collar and cuffs. I am spread-eagle, restrained, helpless, exposed and vulnerable.

It’s fucking hot.

Her Majesty pulls out my favorite purple dildo and hands it to My Toy with orders to rub it against my pussy. My Toy teases me with the dildo, rubbing it over my slick folds and clit until the friction becomes almost unbearable. I struggle against the restrains and begin to beg. Her Majesty pretends not to understand what I want, but finally relents. I can feel her finger slip inside me – one, then two – and she begins thrusting. I rock against her hands – the pressure on my clit and the feeling of being filled shoots me into an incredible space where I am close to coming.

Hovering on that edge, riding the sensation of being close to hurtling over – I usually delay my orgasms for as long as possible to keep feeling that sweet mix of pleasure and wanting. Eventually, though, I can feel my muscles clench and I know I’m so lose that I won’t be able to hold off much longer.

A scream rips through me as I come and I moan, the pulsing rushing through me over and over until the sensations begin to fade in intensity. I ride the aftershocks, my body jolting and spasming, my moans growing softer. Her Majesty slides her fingers out and removes the glove. She and My Toy undo the restraints and pull me close, helping me to the floor and a blanket. They curl around me, cuddling me and stroking my hair. Somewhere in my mind, I can hear them talking…but right now I’m flying high, safe and satisfied.

RHS

The Creamy Middle

2010-10-19T07:14:00.000-07:00

Middling: [verb] alternating bottoming and topping at the desire and whim of the top in a 3 (or more) person scene

The cream in the Oreo cookie. The peanut butter and jelly in the sandwich. The scene in “Secretary” where he spanks her for the first time.

Great things are found in the middle.

The middle is one of my favorite places to be. As a switch, a scene where I get to explore both my top and bottom sides is like getting a brownie AND ice cream.

It’s easy to understand why I enjoy co-topping. I feed off the energy of the other person, collaborating and working together to create an amazing scene. It’s easy to understand why I enjoy co-bottoming. Whether an experience of shared “misery” or two giggly girls tied together getting beaten, co-bottoming takes the energy and magnifies it.

Middling gives me the best of both worlds. I love switching mid-scene, especially in one-on-one scenes. I love when my partner does something to switch me. It’s an incredible and intense sensation that makes me feel connected and intertwined with their energy. That second you realize the power exchange has shifted? Delicious.

Middling gives me a safe space where I can explore the things I want, but I’m too afraid to ask for or demand. I may want to push the bottom further physically, emotionally, or sexually, but I’m worried about crossing a line. Middling takes the decision out of my hands, and I get to do terrible, wonderful things without the burden of having to choose.

When I middle, I’m still submitting to the top. It’s their choice to let me do things to the bottom, or their choice to do things to me.

Middling can be willing or it can be forced. As a topping middle, I can be your eager partner-in-crime, I can be the mean one, the cruel one, the one who says “let’s add clothespins to her nipples.” I can be the bad top, the one who you could unleash on the poor, helpless bottom at any moment. Or I can be the reluctant cohort that you order to do wicked things, terrible things that I would never choose to do on my own. (Ha!)

As a bottoming middle, I can be the instrument with which you torment. You can stroke me, touch me, play with me to turn the bottom on. You can drip candle wax onto me and let it drip onto the bottom. You can pit us against each other to see who can take more pain. You can even switch the bottom, banding together to do terrible wonderful things to me.

Middling is a wide, expansive place with so many personas and ways to play…I quite like it here.

RHS

On Being a Toy

2010-10-18T07:08:00.000-07:00

toyspace: [noun] a state of submission in which I want to please the top and do what they want; I am their plaything

But there’s more to it.

A lot depends on the top. Right now, the only one who really puts me in toyspace is Her Majesty, one of my play partners, mentor, and friend. It’s because she’s playful, which makes me feel new and exciting and shiny. It’s because she’s protective, which makes me feel cared for. It’s because she’s just a teensy bit possessive, which makes me feel valued and special. She makes me feel as though she’s lucky to play with me: that I am a gift.

Being a toy is easy with Her Majesty because she likes so much of the same play I do. I know that I won’t have to endure anything and she won’t do anything I don’t like. The emphasis isn’t on obedience, training, or protocol, but on being willing and able to play. It isn’t required that I behave a certain way. I don’t have to anticipate her needs. My job isn’t to provide service. My job is to be a passive vessel of fun, pleasure, or whatever she desires.

Toyspace isn’t my natural setting. I’m a switch, and am heavily influenced by the events in my life. If I’m stressed, I may want to top because it feels like the only way I can have control for a while. But topping itself can be stressful. As much as I enjoy it, there are decisions to make, plans to orchestrate. There are times when I don’t want to write my own scene. I want someone to make all the decisions for me.

So how do I explain how to get me into toyspace?

As a toy, I am not a thing that decides - I am a thing to be played with. I want you to choose what toy to use or how to tie me up. I want to play the way that you want to because I want to please you.

I want you to tell me what to wear. (Though without a guideline, I’ll choose something feminine and pretty, doll-like.)

I want you to make me feel shiny and special. I want to feel as though you are choosing to play with me, not that I am obligated to serve you, or that it’s understood that I will obey you.

As a toy, I want to hear, “What am I going to do to you?” “You’re all mine.” “You look so pretty.” “I’m going to do this to you.” As a toy, I want you to grab me by my collar and take me where you want me. I want you to touch me and pet me.

Toyspace makes me feel shiny, cared for, and special. It creates a strong bond and a worshipful desire to please.

And you get a toy to do whatever you want with. Seems like a good trade, no?

RHS

I Heart Cock (Worship)

2010-10-14T21:27:00.000-07:00

I love giving head. I love everything about it. I love giving L that mischievous look as I slide down his zipper. I love feeling his cock in my mouth as it gets harder. I love sliding my tongue over his head before sliding it down my throat.

So, naturally, I went to a class on cock worship tonight.

I really enjoyed the class – especially when he started talking about games and teasing and edging and CBT. (I might have been distracted for a few minutes after that…)

I didn’t learn anything too new in the blowjob department – but I was validated by how much I knew already. And learning new technique wasn’t the point. I went because I wanted to know more about cock worship – and in turn, body worship.

Don’t get me wrong – there are times I enjoy just getting L off. As much as I hear women complain on the hand on the back of their head, sometimes I love when he grabs me and fucks my mouth. Where I exist as an object to please him.

But there are other times I want to give (and receive) body worship – physically adoring your partner. Because showing your adoration of a person or body part with your own body is hot. It’s just fucking hot. I received foot worship once - and it was hot anyway – but was that much hotter because he was really into it.

So putting you up there as a god or goddess, existing to be worshipped. Showing them how much I want them. Using my mouth and hands to show my partner how beautiful, how sexy, how amazing, how adored they are. Kissing, licking, biting, and sucking…

…that sounds fucking amazing.

RHS

History Lesson

2010-10-13T17:17:00.000-07:00

I told My Toy to give me three toys and a location. She chose an anal plug, a Hitachi, a flogger, and a classroom.

It’s like Mad Libs, but with kinky goodness.

Sadly, I don’t have access to a classroom. I can only describe to her how the scene would go if I did. But first I had to decide when to set it – during class? Detention? After-school tutoring? During class would be super-hot, but that’s because I’m an exhibitionist and subscribe to “the more, the merrier.”

My Toy is not an exhibitionist. So it’s just her and me. I am, of course, the teacher. And as much fun as it is to punish her, I think she needs a little tutoring. On a whim, I choose history – the reign of King Henry VIII. My Toy has failed her history quiz and must come in for some extra assistance.

When My Toy arrives, I ask her how good her memorization skills are.

“Not very,” she admits. She looks up at me with that wonderful expression of fear, uncertainty, and anticipation. Smiling, I explain that if she wants to pass her test on Friday, she needs to memorize the six wives of Henry VIII. She looks at me doubtfully, and I give her a sheet of paper with the women’s names: Catherine of Aragon, Anne Boleyn, Jane Seymour, Anne of Cleves, Catherine Howard, and Catherine Parr.

“You have ten minutes,” I say, walking back to my desk. “Then you get the first quiz.”

Dead silence as ten minutes pass. Clearing my throat, I tell her to come up to my desk. I position her, hands on the surface, legs spread slightly wider than her shoulders, and push her body so her ass sticks out beneath her little plaid skirt.

“Close your eyes,” I instruct. “Now go.”

“Ummm…Anne Boleyn..” THWACK! I smile. She wasn’t expecting a paddle.

“Try again.”

“Jane Seymour…” THWACK! “Catherine…Catherine…Catherine Aragon?”

“Catherine of Aragon. Keep going.”

It continues. She tries, but cannot remember all six in the correct order. I give her ten minutes to rest and look at the sheet some more. She is slightly more successful on the next try, when I bring out the flogger. (Clearly the flogger is her preferred method of learning.)

“Maybe we should try another approach.” I put the sheet of paper in front of her on the desk and slide her panties down around her knees. Reaching for the lube and anal plug in my desk drawer, I then lube up the toy and slide it around her asshole. I can hear her breathe in sharply, and even though she knew it was coming, I can tell she’s a little nervous. I run my nails along her inner thighs and nibble on her shoulder.

“You want to please Princess, don’t you?” I say, momentarily stepping out of scene. She nods, and I slowly slide the toy into her ass. She moans as she’s filled, and I give her a moment before moving away.

Because there’s more. I pull the Hitachi out and turn it on. It’s loud. I smile.

I reposition myself behind her and hold the buzzing wand next to her leg. “Recite.”

She begins reciting the six names, tentatively at first. I wait until she’s saying them with confidence before moving the Hitachi over her clit. She moans and falters but I’m pleased – she continues to recite.

“Say the names ten more times, and then you’ll get rewarded,” I whisper into her ear. “And if you get off before you finish, you’re not going to like what happens to you.”

She barely manages to finish, breathlessly slurring the names of queens into long strings of nonsense before finally shouting, “tencatherineofaragonanneboleynjaneseymouranneofclevescatherinehowardandcatherineparr! Oh, god, Princess, please may I come? I mean, Teacher? Please?”

I’m so pleased that she can barely ask permission, and I let her find release. She screams and moans, grinding against the toy. When she’s done, I move the Hitachi onto the desk and wrap my arms around her. She falls, limp against me.

“You did an excellent job, Toy. Soon you’ll be able to recite all the American presidents.”

RHS

Evil Bitch Goddess

2010-10-12T20:50:00.000-07:00

I am not an evil bitch goddess. I will not demand your utmost obedience. I will not drive my heel into your shoulder while calling you worthless.

I will, however, giggle at you while you squirm against the hot wax dripping onto your skin. And I’ll probably be wearing fairy wings while I do it.

I’ve developed three top identities: the Tease, the Little Princess, and the Mean Girl. I’m still developing, growing, changing…but so far these are my favorite ways to top.

The Tease

A sensual sadist, I will get you worked up…and then watch you suffer. I will touch you, bite you, scratch you, lick you. I will find the spots you like, give you just enough attention…and then move on. I will dress for your pleasure, but only to further my goal of tormenting you. I might promise you a little relief…but only if you take ten whacks with your least favorite toy. There’s flirting, and joking, and banter. I’ll come up with games to torment you – make you confess secret naughty thoughts in exchange for some sort of reward. One of my favorite parts of this persona? Imagining myself on the receiving end...

The Little Princess

I am a little. I love the zoo, and fairy wings, and ice cream. I love to giggle and play games. And I love to tie up someone bigger than me and do mean things to them. I will use your body as a Twister board. I will see just how many hits you can take. I will make you crawl on the floor and bark like a puppy. I will see what you look like in a skirt. I will come up with twisted versions of games, like Tic Tac Ow. I will hit you with a Disney Princess wand.

The Mean Girl

This persona is still very much under construction, but has emerged recently. She is more cruel and uncaring – she is laughing at your screams of pain. She is more serious, angry and aggressive than the other personas. The games she plays have a harder edge to them, and higher stakes. She likely a little feral and wild – she will rake claws down your back and then ask sarcastically if it hurts. I don’t know much about her yet…but I’m excited to get to know her better.

Overall Toppy Thoughts

All of my personas have similar characteristics: the aforementioned giggling, the likely mocking of your pain, the pretend sympathy…but they have different goals and feels. Sometimes they even co-exist in the same scene, which isn’t as weird as you’d think.

None of the personas are into strict obedience or enforced protocol. You wouldn’t have to serve me a drink a certain way, but I’d come up with a game that you’d have to get it to me within a time limit. Or while wearing a funny hat.

I’m not really into resistance play as a top; I want to feel like you want to be there, not that I’m forcing you.

I enjoy the feeling of your helplessness as I get to do wonderful things to you. Mostly things you like…but maybe a few that you don’t.

These personas make me feel empowered, but part of what appeals to me is being in the position of power that you have granted me. I only have as much authority as you give me.

I identify largely as a chameleon or service top; I’m interested in mutual enjoyment and want you to get what you want out of the scene.

As a top, I want to give you permission to be the person you can’t be out of scene space.

RHS

Let's Go Shopping

2010-10-11T11:05:00.000-07:00

“I want to dress you up like a doll.”

So there we stood, My Toy and I, at the entrance to Nordstrom’s. She looked at me, uncertain, clearly wondering why I’d chosen the high-end store. I assured her that she’d understand soon enough. I led her through the store to the lingerie section. After searching through the racks, I found what I wanted.

We made our way into the dressing rooms. I opened the door to one and gently pushed her in, then slipped in behind her and locked the door.

“Big dressing rooms,” I smiled. “That’s why I love Nordstrom’s. Now strip.” I sat down on the chair and watched her unbutton her shirt, slide off her skirt.

I gasped in mock surprise. “Toy! You’re wearing panties.” I shook my head in (fake) disapproval. “I know I told you not to wear any on this trip. What do you think we should do about that?”

She bit her lip for a minute, then smiled hesitantly. “I need to be punished?”

“That’s right. Hands in front of you.”

She obediently held her arms out, holding her wrists together. I grabbed the wrists and pushed her against the dressing room wall, pinning her wrists above her head. I lightly bit her ear and reached for my purse. I pulled out my new knife – a beautiful shiny-sharp-sexy toy – and opened it behind my back. I ran it along her outer thigh, smiling at her shiver.

I traced the knife along her skin, enjoying watching her squirm against the cold metal. Finally, I slide the knife along the edge of her panties. They were pretty – black and lacy – but she was right. Disobedience should be punished. I slid the knife under the fabric; the sound of the lace ripping seemed to echo against the walls. First one side, then the other, then I pulled her panties off and shoved them in my purse. I nudged her legs apart with my knee and started tracing the knife along her inner thigh.

“You’re being so quiet, Toy,” I whispered into her ear. “I’m so proud of you, but I wore panties just so I could use them as a gag if I needed. And trust me, right now my panties are soaked.”

I could hear her try to suppress a moan, but the mischievous look in her eye told me she wasn’t trying that hard.

“Oh, no,” I told her. “You’re not getting rewarded with panties in your mouth just yet. First, you have to behave.”

I ordered her to take off her bra and start modeling the lingerie I’d picked. I’d chosen sexy little slips and camisoles and sat back and enjoyed the show. I told her how sexy she looked…how I’d enjoy sucking on her nipple through the lacy fabric…how I’d have the prettiest toy at any party. When she’d finished modeling, I smiled and told her she could put her clothes back on.

“You did a wonderful job as my little dress-up doll,” I told her as we were leaving. “Next time, let’s try it with the butt plug in.”

RHS

How I Learned I Was Kinky

2010-10-10T11:14:00.000-07:00

I've heard lots of people's stories about their first realization that they were kinky. I usually joked that I was just a good vanilla girl who sort of stumbled into the scene and into some ropes. But it wasn't spanking or watching "Secretary" that gave me a clue about these kinky desires. It was reading murder mysteries.

Starting in junior high, I devoured murder mystery novels. Specifically serial killer novels, books with scenes of torment inflicted on helpless women. I never understood my fascination with them; I certainly didn't want to hurt people, or be hurt. As a woman with an overabundance of empathy, any scenes of violence were difficult to handle, but were still fascinating.

While I'd begun to suspect a connection between those books and my desire to receive, it wasn't until I had a delicious boy strung up, icepick in my hand, that I realized...I like tormenting people.

The difference between me and the bad guys is, of course, being safe, sane and consensual. But eliciting sensations, making someone squirm and cry out, and making them feel all better when it's over...that's what I like to do. (And have done to me, of course.)

It's reassuring to understand why I was so drawn to stories of terrible acts against people. I'd had to stop reading and watching such material when entering the scene; the conflicting images of non-consent versus what I wanted was too much for me to process at the time. I realize now I was seeking out what I wanted in the only form I knew.

There's been a sense of peace in realizing my identity as a switch who likes giving and getting wonderful/terrible sensations.

Mostly, though, it's exciting to realize there are people who will let me do wonderful/terrible things to them, over and over again.

And even thank me for it. :)

RHS

The Strength to Be Broken

2010-10-08T07:37:00.000-07:00

"Bye, honey! I'm off to kidnap, torture and gang-rape my friend for her birthday!"

This was my Sunday. It was Foxy's birthday, and we were going to make it memorable. It began with an hour-long briefing session in the morning between me and about ten other people. Foxy's husband had gone to great lengths to ensure that (1) we weren't arrested and (2) a good time was had by all.

You see, Foxy wanted this experience. One of the things I love about BDSM is its ability to let us play in the darker parts of our fantasies. The fantasy of non-consent is a big turn-on for people, and we can experiment with feeling scared and helpless and vulnerable in a safe place. And let me tell you, being kidnapped, hooded, stripped, terrorized and sexually assaulted by multiple people definitely falls under the category of being vulnerable.

It's one of the things I admire about Foxy. She has these dark desires, and while she's still working on being comfortable with them, she's acknowledging them. Sunday was both an amazing present and a big step for her - and for me. One of the areas I struggle with as a top is hurting girls. I can hurt boys just fine - I can beat them all day and go into a space where I feel the need to nurture them or take care of them. But with girls - and especially Foxy, as protector/nurturer is one of my non-kink roles in her life - it's easy for me to stop after hearing "Ow!" and say, "I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry!"

But sometimes "Ow!" is what they need to say. After having an incredibly cathartic scene two days before the abduction, I can understand the need to feel pain on an emotional level. I'm not a pain slut or a masochist - heavy scenes are largely for an emotional release for me. But watching Foxy on Sunday helped me not only understand that desire, but also her incredible strength.

She took a lot - six hours of violet wands, hot wax, canes, paddles...and the gang-bang (we can't forget that!). All the while, she was naked, cuffed, hooded and blindfolded, unable to tell who anyone was beyond her husband. That's strength. To trust completely in your relationship and the situation is incredible.

So I feel more like I can beat Foxy without worrying as much. I know she can take it, and that she wants to take it. I know that's something she's been wanting from me, and it's been hard because I want to give her that pain. But I'm hopeful that my experiences on Friday and Sunday will mean more bruises for a sexy fox.

RHS

Catharsis

2010-10-08T07:28:00.000-07:00

I needed catharsis. The past month had been really difficult. Someone left my life, and I didn’t have a chance to really say good-bye. A tough situation, compounded by a lot of different issues, and the few people who know my past know that the feeling of being left is my biggest trigger. I tried to process all the feelings of anger, sadness, frustration, helplessness…and tonight I hope I’ve gotten through it all.

I had planned a scene where I’d get to beat the shit out of Foxy. While it didn’t accomplish the catharsis I needed, the unexpected side effect was I pushed through my fears of hurting her. I could flog her, spank her, punch her…and not stop every time I heard “Fuck!” to worriedly ask if she was ok. It gives me hope that I can push harder as a top and move towards a deeper, more intense relationship.

I had a tentative scene planned after that. I didn’t know how the first scene would go, so I asked if Her Majesty could be on standby for cuddles or beatings or whatever I needed. I got that and a lot more. I realized I needed to be wrung out like a washcloth – so I asked for her to be mean. And she was…but she was also gentle and caring and empowering.

It seems strange to call the scene healthy. I got caned, hot wax, the quirt, and a paddle. My skin is striped with scratch marks and there are welts rising on my ass and thighs. But in between beating the shit out of me, she made me laugh…she made me feel beautiful and amazing…she made me feel it was ok and safe to cry and find the emotional release I needed.

As I write this at 3:30 am, I feel drained. I don’t know how I’ll feel in the morning, but I want to feel hopeful and optimistic. I’m pleased that I broke through my barriers of fear and worry. This was the first time I’d used BDSM for catharsis, and I hope that I can use it again if I need. I hope that I can go back to feeling happy again. In the morning, I hope the first thing I see is sunlight.

RHS

Scream

2010-10-07T07:12:00.000-07:00

"I want you to make me scream your name."

Did you get a little turned on just now? I hope so. I certainly did when I got this text from My Toy. And so I'm inspired to think of all the ways to make her scream.

I could line up rows and rows of metal hair clips strung together with ribbon...up and down the back of her legs, across her ass, around her arms, and especially her inner thighs. And I bet she can be a good girl for Princess and take some of the smaller clips on the tender lips of her pussy.

I could wrap her in Saran wrap and duct tape her to a table. I can have a knife handy and cut little holes to drip hot wax or slide some ice onto her skin. I can tease her with her bondage; reminding her that she would find it difficult to get free, leaving me able to use her in all sorts of ways. I can cut a hole between her thighs to slide in a vibrator. I could climb on top of her and get myself off while she watches.

I could make her show up wearing a full outfit, while I'd be wearing my harness with my biggest dildo. I could tie her up to a bed and slowly cut off her clothes, taking time to remove layer after layer. In between slicing through the cloth with my knife, I could kiss her, and lick her, and gently bite her in all my favorite places until she's wet and squirming against the bed. I could rub the dildo against her pussy and tease her with it. I could make her beg to be fucked, and until she is seconds away from tears, slam my cock into her until she can barely speak.

I could do all those things, and many more. Because she is My Toy, and I will make her scream my name.

RHS

A Love Letter to My Chosen Family

2010-10-06T07:32:00.000-07:00

Dear Family:

I've wanted to write this letter for some time. I wanted to tell you all how special you make me feel and what you mean to me.

To My Toy: You fill me with giddy excitement. Our new playship is bright with promise and possibilities. In your eyes, I am transformed into a Princess who can bring you pain and pleasure. Your trust in me to push your limits fills me with fear, excitement, and pride. I don't know what's in store for us

To My Validator: You cuddle with me on your couch, bring me wine, and comfort me. You validate how I'm feeling and what I want. You understand and encourage my kinks on an emotional and intellectual level. You make me feel good about who I am. Your desire to be a better person inspires me, as does your enthusiasm for kink. I look at you, and I see someone who has the courage to go after what she wants. You bring me hope.

To My Cupcake: From the first time we were tied together, I knew I'd found someone special. Someone who makes me feel exciting and shiny and giggly and happy. Someone who is determined to reach for what she wants, someone courageeous, someone with an intense desire to see the world. Like a sweet treat after a meal, you are the icing on my cupcake.

To My Little Sister: Whether it's going to the zoo, watching The Little Mermaid, coloring, shopping or playing with nail polish, you help me be a little girl and I can escape the adult world for a little while. You let me go back to a simpler time of butterfly wings and bubbles, but you also let me be someone strong. As your Big Sister, I help you and protect you; you trust me to take care of you when your Daddy isn't around.

My Foxy Candy: Sometimes people come into your life and you don't know what role they're going to fill. You are so much stronger than you believe and I see so much of myself in you. You are no simple gift, but the time it takes to unwrap you yields something I could not have foreseen existed. I see who you want to be, and feel pride that you want me to help you get there. You see who I could be, and you're trying to help me get there myself. You make me feel strong, and capable, and amazing.

My Majesty: You know my kinks and needs and can fill them intuitively. I love the way you make me feel. Sometimes it's protected, when you make sure I'm wearing sunscreen, or taking care of myself emotionally. Sometimes I am your toy, there to be played with and feel special and shiny and exciting. But my favorite way you make me feel is that you're there for me, no matter what. Your protectiveness of me, your pleasure in me, your passion for the world...all these combine to make the wonderful package of you.

At the end of the day, there is someone I always come home to. I'm not always easy to live with. I'm stubborn. I'm high-maintenance. I'm needy. But when all is said and done, there's someone who sees me at my best and worst - and is still around through it all.

To L - my husband, my dominant, my primary, my number one guy: you've committed to being there for me, by my side, through good and bad. You make me feel safe and protected. You make sure I'm healthy, that I eat right and work out. You take care of the little things, like bus routes on our trip to San Francisco. You take care of the big things, like finances and rent and investments. The first time you made me dinner, you made me pasta with tomato sauce without onions (because onions are evil). You balance my emotion with your logic and my whimsy with your pragmatism. You complete me because you complement me. You are my hero.

To all my partners, I see the person I want to be, the person I could be reflected in your eyes. I hope you see in me how amazing you are. I don't think you know how truly incredible you are, but you've helped me see how amazing I am. I hope I can do the same for you.

RHS

When I Look in the Mirror...

2010-10-06T07:30:00.000-07:00

I see a lot of people. Kinky BDSM girl. People pleaser. Little girl who goes to the zoo. Ice cream lover. Exhibitionist. Baker. Sensation slut. Princess. Writer. Tease. Empathic nurturer. Artist. Emotional masochist. Giggly bubblehead. Walking mindfuck.

So which identities should you know about?

Wife. My primary identity (after “Me” and “Ice Cream Lover.”). My kinky life and identity is secondary to my marriage. We’re not 24/7, though sometimes roles get blurry. My job? Making his life better, happier, and easier. Sometimes I fail. Sometimes I succeed.

Polyamorous. I have lots of special people in my life. I like them a lot. Balance has been key; love is infinite, time, energy and resources are not. The basic concept of polyamory is loving many people – emotionally, mentally, physically, or other.

Heteroflexible. I’m attracted to both men and women. My primary identity is liking boys, but like all parts of my nature, sometimes I switch things up and I’m all about girls. Yes. I like confusing people. And messing with their expectations.

Switch. I’m one of those freaky kinky people. I like beating people. I like getting beat. More on this later. I’m what’s known as a switch: someone who likes getting things done to them as well as doing things to other people.

More identities will show up – some I’ve had for years, some I’m just discovering. And you get to join me on that discovery, you lucky duck, you!

RHS

I Heart Ice Cream

2010-10-05T07:09:00.000-07:00

Welcome to my first blog entry. I think I’m supposed to write about how I’m going to explore myself and my changing identity...how I’m going to write deep and meaningful entries about my journey…how I might throw in the occasional erotica…

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I’ll get to that. Today I’d much rather talk about ice cream.

I love ice cream. It’s become a well-known part of my identity. I love the sheer variety of flavors…I love the different textures: creamy, crunchy, silky, fluffy…I love the sensation of going into an ice cream store that I’ve never been in…or one in which I’ve had many happy memories.

I love digging a spoon into a pint of something I’ve never tried before and finding out it’s AMAZING (Hello, Target brand Madagascan Vanilla/Belgian Chocolate!). I love pulling out a pint of Ben & Jerry’s S’mores when I need a good comfort ice cream. I love taking someone to experience an ice cream store or flavor that they’ve never had before.

I love being curled up on the couch, sharing a pint of ice cream with someone I love. I love that my chosen family knows that a bowl of ice cream can make almost anything better. I love that ice cream has become a big part of my life. If I could open any kind of store, it would be an ice cream parlor.

I love ice cream. And that’s what you need to know about me today.

RHS